I’ve had an enormous crush on my best friend since the first time we met and it’s only recently that I got an opportunity to explore that. Obviously taking friendship to the next level tends to go wrong for a lot of people, but my friend and I got even closer after we slept together. Here’s why.
- It made me realize how much we trusted each other. Because we had an already established friendship, there was a huge amount of trust between us and this was clearer than ever when we had sex. Sleeping together came with a sense of ease—it felt totally safe because of our existing connection. For me, sex with someone new can be quite daunting and it requires a lot of trust. With my best friend, we didn’t really need to establish this because it was already there.
- Our existing dynamic remains unchanged. Despite changing the nature of our relationship, the dynamic between us remains the same. Because our friendship was so well-established, nothing really changed after having sex. It was more like we’d just shared a new experience together that fit into the collection of experiences we’ve already shared.
- It was just like our usual hangouts… just with added sex. One of the best things about having slept with my friend was the ease with which we switched between being lovers and friends. It was basically like hanging out normally but we happened to be naked in bed at the same time. I really enjoyed that unique dynamic; it’s a totally new way of exploring friendship and a totally new way of exploring sex. In some ways, it was like sleeping with a bro.
- We deeply care for each other. Our friendship is based on deep mutual care and support, and this was something that came through so strongly in the sex we had. Neither of us was there for selfish reasons and we made sure to keep checking in with each other throughout. That made the sex really beautiful and solidified our existing friendship.
- Communication is key with these things. Before, during, and after, I slept with my friend, there was a constant flow of open communication. The worry with sleeping with a friend is always that things will get weird. I can attest that it’s a lot less likely to get weird when both of you can speak freely about anything, at any time. We were able to maintain a safe space to talk about anything that might have come up for either of us.
- We hit fast-forward on intimacy. Most of my first-time sex experiences have been with partners of only a few weeks or months. Having sex with someone after two years of close connection was something entirely different. It was a totally new kind of intimacy, less fired by the flames of passion and more warmed by the embers of a long-burning fire. After I slept with my friend, we both remarked that it was a bit like jumping into a year-long relationship where it’s not that exciting, it’s more intimate and comfortable.
- We discovered new sides of each other. It almost seems bizarre to know someone for so long and so deeply but to be pretty much oblivious to how they exist as a sexual being. The fact that my friend and I slept together allowed us to discover previously unknown facets of each other and it was fascinating to see how that played out. Our friendship now has a different element to it since we each have a greater understanding of the other. No secrets amongst friends, right?
- He reminded me to live with an open hand. After I slept with my friend, I felt myself growing some attachment and it took me admitting that to him to break the spell. He reminded me that nothing in life belongs to us, so instead of trying to hold onto it, it’s best to live life in gratitude. We should be thankful for what we have when we have it and willing to let it go when it’s time. This simple philosophy helped us maintain the lightness that I value so much in our friendship.
- Sex doesn’t have to be a big deal. Sex is made out to be such a big deal in our culture, but when you’re actually having it, it turns out to feel pretty normal a lot of the time. Surprisingly, this was one thing I discovered throughout this whole experience. I remember thinking, “Whoa, we just had sex!” And then a second later, I realized how totally normal that felt. Sex, as it turns out, is only as big a deal as you make it. The fact that I slept with my friend was really no big deal.
- At the end of the day, friendship comes first. Even though we never really said it out loud, I think we both knew that our friendship comes first and even though I slept with him, I still wanted him to be my friend more than anything else. Thankfully, there hasn’t been anything to threaten that in this whole experience but I believe that if there was, we would focus on maintaining the friendship before anything else. Some friends aren’t worth losing.
As someone who’s slept with a friend, here’s my advice
- Know that it’s not for everyone. Just because I slept with a friend and it turned out well doesn’t mean that will be everyone’s experience. In fact, I’m aware that how things went for me is the exception rather than the rule. Having casual sex with someone you’re in an entirely platonic relationship with is complicated and can really confuse things, so don’t take the decision to do so lightly.
- If you’re not sure, don’t take the chance. If you worry that your friendship might be ruined or that you’ll regret it after you’ve gone ahead with it and slept with your friend, don’t even go there. I assume your friendship means a lot to you, so if you’re not both on the same page in terms of your confidence in doing it, you’re probably better off staying out of the bedroom.
- Don’t do it if you’re hoping to turn the friendship into a romantic relationship. If you’ve always harbored some deep-seated feelings for this person and are hoping that casual sex might scratch the itch, stop! I slept with my friend because I knew in my heart of hearts that I wanted our relationship to stay exactly the same. If you’re hoping that sex might make them realize that you’re the love of their life, you’re probably going to end up heartbroken and disappointed.
- Prepare for a bit of awkwardness after. There wasn’t any awkwardness for me, but again, I recognize my situation isn’t the norm. After you’ve slept with a friend, you’ll have to come to terms with the fact that you’ve not only seen each other naked but that you know the sounds and faces the other makes while orgasming. Don’t worry, that embarrassment will pass.
- Make sure you’re sober. The worst thing you could possibly do is hop into bed with your friend when you’re under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol. There’s nothing worse than waking up the morning after realizing you slept with a friend and a) don’t even remember it but b) that you wouldn’t have done it if you were sober. If you’re going to make this decision, make sure you’re doing so from a completely sober state of mind.