Slow Down, You’re Moving Too Fast!

What’s the hurry? You’ve waited over 20 years to find the man of your dreams, so once you do, why would you want to scare him away? Unless you’re playing Andie Anderson from How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, you need to slow your roll. It takes guys some time to warm up to a new relationship, so if you don’t keep calm and give him some space, he’ll be gone in way less than 10 days. Here are 14 signs you are moving too fast, and need to back away slowly.

  1. You just met last Friday and you haven’t seen the inside of your apartment since. Like, seriously, go home. Even if it’s just to water your plants and brush your teeth, he needs to know that you actually have another place to go if (when) this thing doesn’t work out.
  2. You don’t know his last name, but you’re planning on taking it one day (soon). You already have your entire wedding planned out in your head and are wondering how he’ll propose. You should probably go on a few dates first, psycho.
  3. You’ve been on two dates and already changed your profile picture and relationship status. And you sent his mom a birthday card signed “your future daughter-in-law”. Until he puts a ring on it, as far as she knows you are still just the “future crazy EX-girlfriend”.
  4. You’ve stopped taking the pillNo matter how long you’ve been together, if you stop taking the pill without talking to him about it, it’s too soon.
  5. You went out once and already deleted your Tinder account. Clearly you’re the last surviving eternal optimist, but let’s be serious, one good date does not a relationship make. You shouldn’t be shutting out opportunities with other potential guys until you have had the DTR talk with this one.
  6. It’s all about the sex and not getting to know each other. You know what every crevice of his body looks like naked, but you don’t even know what he does for a living, where he went to college, or if he has any siblings.
  7. You drop everything for him. It doesn’t matter that you have had these plans with your sister since before you even know he existed, if he calls you’ll drop her in a second to hang out with him. While he’ll probably be stoked to see you, making a habit of this will only make you look pathetic and like he can walk all over you. Use the beginning of your relationship to set the guidelines for your future, and let him know that he’s not the only important person in your life.
  8. You’re oversharing your life story. You told him basically everything there is to know about you in the first couple weeks of dating, so now all of the mystery is gone. This isn’t a cram session; if he plans on sticking around, there’ll be plenty of time to hear about that time you fell off your bike when you were 10 years old.
  9. You made him your emergency contact. Sure, it’s embarrassing being a 30-something who still has mommy and daddy as their emergency contact, but what’s more embarrassing is having your ex know all of your business because you forgot to remove his name from your paperwork. Play it safe and stick with the ‘rents until you’re at least engaged.
  10. You introduce him to your friends and family as your boyfriend, when you had a different boyfriend two weeks ago. First there’s the question if he even knows you’re calling him your boyfriend already, but even if he is comfortable with it, everyone else might need some time to catch up.
  11. You’re packing his lunch/ironing his clothes/ doing his laundry/ cleaning his apt/ etc. Ask yourself three questions. Are you his mother? Are you his maid? Are you his secretary? If you answered no to all three of these questions, step away from the boxer briefs and let him wash them himself.
  12. You’re calling his dog “our dog”. He probably loves that you love his dog (almost) as much as he does and want to help out with walks and feeding, but calling it “our” dog too soon will have him thinking you would expect visitation even after your relationship fizzles out.
  13. You’re referring to his place as “our place”. Sure, you might spend almost every night together and he even gave you your own drawer, but until your name is on the lease or you start getting your mail there, it’s still really just his place. This also means you shouldn’t be rearranging his stuff or buying new pieces of furniture.
  14. You’ve said I love youIt’s only been a week and you are already dropping L bombs. It’s sweet that you’re so willing to share your feelings, but sometimes it’s better to keep that crap to yourself. Just because you’re feeling it doesn’t mean you need to say it… at least until you are a few months in and he’s feeling it too.
Rachael is an award winning stand-up comedienne, freelance writer, and BravoTV superfan. Her Real Housewives tagline is “The only thing bigger than my boobs are my personalities.” In her spare time, she keeps busy catering to the needs of a very spoiled Siberian Husky, (Paris Hilton), cleaning the skeletons out of her closet (to make room for more shoes), and swiping left to everyone on Tinder. Follow her on twitter @therealplandd.