I’m So Sick Of Being Single — When Will It End?

After my last breakup, I was so excited to be single again. I could do whatever I wanted whenever I want without having to worry about someone else’s needs. It felt like a breath of fresh air at first, but after being on my own for a year, the novelty is starting to wear off.

  1. It’s starting to affect my mental health. Sure, at first it was fun to be free of the responsibility that comes with being “attached,: but oh how the tables have turned. I’m no longer super jazzed to be spending another night watching Netflix and eating junk food. Now I’m just depressed about it and it’s starting to become my default setting.
  2. I’m tired of pretending I’m okay with it. My friends ask me why I’m still single and I always answer with, “I like being single,” or “I’m just focusing on me right now, and it’s great!” Well, that wore off really quickly. Nowadays I feel like I’m lying through my teeth when I say I’m okay with being perpetually alone because the truth is, the loneliness gnaws away at me constantly.
  3. Casual sex makes me feel empty inside. In an attempt to find some kind of connection, I often resort to dating apps or calling up old friends to have some good old-fashioned NSA sex. It feels awesome in the moment, but afterward, I’m left feeling empty and slightly used.
  4. I just want someone to cuddle with. One thing I really miss is physical affection. It’s different from casual sex because there’s no foundation of trust there. When someone who loves me touches me, it’s the best feeling in the world. I could get drunk off of that feeling and I haven’t had it in a very long time.
  5. My self-esteem is at an all-time low. Why is it that when I’m walking down the street, I feel totally worthless? It must be because I have no proof in my life that I’m loved. When I’m in a relationship, I have stone-cold evidence that someone thinks I’m worthwhile and that gives me confidence. At first, I was relieved to be single, but now I don’t know how to think myself out of this negative self-image I’ve created for myself. I know my worth can’t and shouldn’t depend on a guy but I can’t help feeling down.
  6. I’m bored with my life. I need a change. I need something different, something big in my life whether that’s a trip, a career change, a new dog, or a relationship. I just feel like I have nothing going for myself and a relationship would give me something to look forward to every day.
  7. I’m turning into one of those bitter single people. I used to smile when I saw a couple in love but now I can’t even stand to look at them. I don’t want to be one of those people who quietly drinks in the corner while muttering to themselves how stupid love is. I believe in love, I know I do — I’ve just been single for so long that it seems like a dream that I can’t remember.
  8. I’ve “let myself go.” When I’m in a relationship, I have a reason to make myself look good. I care about my heath and appearance, not out of fear that no one would want to date me otherwise but because I love myself and I love my body. I was all about the self-love in the beginning phases of my single-dom, but now it’s really hard to keep trying.
  9. I’m so anxious about dating now. Not having anything remotely close to an actual relationship for a whole year is making me more and more anxious about dating and putting myself out there. Sure, it was easy in the beginning when I was all fresh-faced and bright-eyed, but now I feel like I’m an old doll from the reject bin. I can’t be my usual, charming, funny self because I feel like I’m not good enough. I feel awkward about dating and I don’t know how to get myself out of this mindset.
  10. Online dating is a bitch. I feel like my only option nowadays is online dating and it’s frustrating, to say the least. Not only do I waste time on guys who have no interest in a relationship, but I’m also wasting money and to top it all off, it’s chipping away at my faith in love inch by inch. I don’t want to give up on love, but online dating is making it really easy to do so.
  11. I have a huge wall up. On the rare chance that a guy DOES want to take me out and pursue something serious with me, I’ll find ways to sabotage it for myself. If I’ve made it this far being single, maybe that’s just who I amI’ll make excuses as to why it’s not going to work between us but it’s really just because I don’t think I’m relationship material after being alone for like, a century.
Jennifer is a playwright, dancer and theatre nerd living in the big city of Toronto, Canada.