Sometimes I Can Be So Focused On Dealbreakers That I Miss The Good

I’m all excited about a new person that I’m dating. I think they’re cute and funny and we’re hitting it off. All is going well except for the fact that I can’t stop thinking about what might possibly be wrong with the person. It’s like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is frustrating because I’m so focused on catching potential dealbreakers that I’m missing out on all the good that’s right in front of me.

  1. It’s important to look for dealbreakers. Don’t get me wrong, looking for dealbreakers is absolutely crucial. Without them, I wouldn’t have a framework for understanding what I do and don’t want. It’s very important to spend the time looking for them and dealing with them as they come up. Otherwise, they may sneak by, leaving me very unhappy. I mean, deal breakers are those things that just absolutely push me to my limit. I can’t be having those around.
  2. They’re hard to spot sometimes. Dealbreakers can be sneaky; they may masquerade as other things. For example, while you want a relationship someone may not flat out tell you that they aren’t interested in one. Instead, they may say things like “I’m open to possibilities” or “I’m up for whatever.” These are other ways to see that they’re unsure, which is a dealbreaker. It’s a sneaky one!
  3. I’ve been burned with so many dealbreakers. I look out for them this hard because I’ve experienced so many coming up and burning me. I’ll really start to like someone, then all of a sudden, BAM a deal breaker pops up. I guess it’s my own fault for getting my hopes up, but I do nonetheless. The fact of the matter is that they’re going to happen, but they still manage to surprise the crap out of me.
  4. I can be too focused on them. Despite all that I’ve said about dealbreakers, I can be far too laser-focused on them. I can zoom in on all the things that might be wrong. For example, I’ll be dating someone new and I’ll be on the lookout for red flags. I’ll be scanning them left and right to see if I can find anything. I’m so focused that I miss out on other things. There is such a thing as going overboard.
  5. I miss out on the good. As a result of being zoomed in on finding the negatives, I miss out on the good things. I miss out on how kind the person is to me, what they’ve gone out of their way to do, and how it’s clear they adore me. These are some of the things that I miss out on while I’m trying to catch deal breakers red-handed. These good things sneak right out of my view.
  6. I forget to be grateful. Did you know that gratitude is actually backed by science? One article said that “People who regularly practice gratitude by taking time to notice and reflect upon the things they’re thankful for experience more positive emotions, feel more alive, sleep better, express more compassion and kindness, and even have stronger immune systems.” If I’m too focused on what’s wrong, I’m missing out on what’s right—meaning I’m missing out on an opportunity to practice gratitude.
  7. I forget to notice the little things. It’s the little things that make up a relationship, right? The sending good morning texts regularly, the way that my partner looks at me, or the fact that they know my coffee order. These are examples of the small positive bits that make up a relationship. When I can’t get my mind off what could potentially go wrong I have a hard time putting my mind to what’s going right.
  8. Partially because I’m scared. I think it’s almost easier to focus on what could be wrong. It keeps me at a distance from the other person, an arm’s length away. Though this isn’t healthy, it’s a manifestation of fear. Some of the fears that I have are the fear of being abandoned, the fear of someone finding out just who I am, and the fear of a failing relationship if I actually try. All of these keep me away from being happy.
  9. I ultimately just want a balanced relationship. I’m looking for someone who I can be with and we’re both balanced. I’ve got plenty of good things to offer and so do they. We’re both actively contributing to the relationship and enjoying each other’s company. We also both have flaws that one another accepts. This is all I’m looking for. Is it so much to ask for? A balanced and loving partnership.
  10. No one’s perfect, so I have to be okay with good and bad (but not dealbreakers).
    In order to have that balanced partnership, I need to be okay with accepting someone for everything they are. This means all of their humanity. It’s one thing to accept the not so sexy parts that come with a person and it’s another thing to submit to dealbreakers. That’s something I’m never willing to do. I’ll practice accepting the hard stuff, but I won’t compromise my values. At the end of the day, it’s about a balance that works for everyone.
Ginelle has been writing professionally for more than six years and has a bachelor’s degree in digital marketing & design. Her writing has appeared on Birdie, Thought Catalog, Tiny Buddha and more. You can follow her on Instagram @ginelletesta, via her Facebook page, or through her website at