Sometimes I Think I’ll Die Alone And It Scares The Hell Out Of Me

I’ve been single for a long time now, and while I know it’s likely I’ll eventually meet someone to build a life with, there’s always a sliver of a chance that I won’t. It’s the possibility that I’ll spend the rest of my life alone that scares the hell out of me, but I’m working on it. Here’s how I try to shut down those paranoid voices in my head:

  1. I vent to my girls about it. Telling someone, anyone, how I’m feeling has always been an effective way for me to deal with any heavy emotion. My friends don’t have to fully understand me, and I like it that they don’t pretend they do. It’s just comforting to know that even though they’re already in relationships, they choose to end their dinner dates abruptly and rush to my apartment to let me vent. Just being able to voice my fears makes them a little less powerful.
  2. I repeat positive mantras in the mirror. One time, my friend caught me talking to myself in the mirror and she jokingly suggested that being single is driving me crazy. We ended up laughing about it and I made her try it—funny enough, she felt better afterward. Repeating positive mantras to myself every day helps me stay positive, even if I do feel a bit silly doing it sometimes.
  3. I recall the struggles I survived on my own. Despite being super scared that I might die alone, I can say that I made it through many different battles all on my own. I dealt with the craziness this world threw my way and I survived it—not only that, but I came out stronger. Being single doesn’t mean I won’t be able to achieve great things in life and having a partner certainly is not a one-way ticket to happiness. It’s sometimes a struggle to remember but it’s true.
  4. I wholeheartedly listen to sound advice. This is painful but it’s necessary. See, sometimes my negativity gets the better of me and I pick fights with my friends because they’re in relationships and I’m not and I just feel so damn scared and alone. When I’m done yelling, my friends look me in the eye and drop some serious knowledge on me. As hard as it is to hear sometimes, I listen, and doing so has been a game-changer in my life.
  5. I remind myself why I chose to be single in the first place. In case you wanted to know, I chose to be single because I want to focus on loving myself more. I don’t want to offer a broken me to whoever decides to love me because I know I won’t be able to love them back. Sadly, there are moments when I forget about this and all I can think about is lying in my ever-cold bed alone. Ugh.
  6. Sometimes, I just let myself feel all the scary feelings. I know it sounds insane but fighting the fear is just plain exhausting sometimes. I learned that the more I welcome the feeling of being scared to die alone, the less daunting it feels. Today, whenever the thought suddenly invades my brain, I find it easier to deal with.
  7. I meditate like my life depends on it. It took me a long time to learn to meditate, but once I mastered it, I found much more balance and calm in my life and realized in many ways, being alone is almost just an illusion. It doesn’t always work to take the fear away entirely but it does make a big difference.
  8. I avoid making excuses. I used to make tons of excuses for why I feel this way and most of them were lame. I make excuses for why I haven’t found “The One” yet and for why I’m still single even though I’m getting older. The truth is, there are no excuses because none are necessary. This is just how things are for now, but that doesn’t mean it’s how things will be forever. I put myself out there and trust that I’m enough.
  9. I remember the risks of settling in a relationship. I can’t count how many times I thought of forcing myself into a relationship just for the sake of it and I swear it’s such a toxic thought. Not only is being in a terrible relationship a terrible idea, chances are I’d just end up feeling hurt or hurting someone else. It’s just not worth it. The more I remind myself of this, the less scared of I feel of being alone.
  10. I remind myself that I’m surrounded by amazing people. Because I am. Sometimes, I just need to celebrate the fact that I have super amazing friends and I’m blessed with a great tribe of people who understand me. I’m not alone—I’m just single. If I die today (I hope not), I’m confident I won’t die alone. After all, a boyfriend isn’t the basis of a happy, fulfilled life.
Part-poet, part-writer, and full-blooded human megaphone of the oppressed, Tammy focuses on covering heavy topics. To keep herself sane, she also writes about pop culture, life, and anything gay. She gets by with the smell of typewriter and sound of tattoo machines.