As Soon As We Made Things Official, He Decided He Wasn’t Into It

We decided to make things official… and then everything imploded. He suddenly started showing signs that he wasn’t ready for a real, committed relationship. Well, maybe it wasn’t so sudden—I was just so into him that I never noticed them before even though they were definitely there. Don’t make the same mistake I did! 

  1. I had to make the first move. Although he seemed interested in dating me, I was the one who had to make things happen. Once I asked him out to coffee, it still didn’t make him step up. He never really took much initiative in our relationship in general, I just never noticed because I was always so busy trying to get closer to him and build a relationship.
  2. He was big on his friends. I’m all for a guy who has lots of friends and enjoys spending time with them. This guy prioritized his fun times with his friends, but I didn’t think it was a sign that he wanted to live like a single guy. I only realized that once we were official and he wanted to go out drinking and partying with them pretty much every night. 
  3. He was addicted to the chase. He started to change after we became serious. It was like he flipped a switch. Suddenly, he could go days without chatting to or seeing me whereas previously, we used to talk every day even if we couldn’t hang out. I suddenly realized that he’d been focused on the chase. Once he got me, he didn’t really have as much interest in dating me.
  4. Our dates were always the same. I enjoyed our dates leading up to when we defined the relationship, but looking back, they were always the same old thing. He never really took the initiative to make our dates fun or to make them more meaningful. During one date, he mentioned he was seeing his friends afterward for a fun hike—and no, I wasn’t invited. I realized they were always doing fun, creative stuff together. Meanwhile, my dates with him always revolved around grabbing a bite to eat. Boring!
  5. I had to be the one to define the relationship. Not only did I make the first move, but then I was the one who had to initiate the DTR talk. That in itself should’ve been a red flag to me that the guy wasn’t really all that keen on being committed and exclusive, but I didn’t want to face that reality. I figured maybe he was waiting for me to step up and since it’s 2019, I went for it. Big mistake.
  6. He didn’t want to call me his girlfriend. He said he had issues with relationship labels (what does that even mean?!) long before we defined the relationship. We’d been dating for almost two months at that point. Even after we became a couple, he didn’t want to introduce me to people as his girlfriend. Looking back, I realize just how shady that is.
  7. He was too easy-going. He was the type of guy who was always down for anything. He was fine with me taking the lead sometimes and he wanted to enjoy the relationship. This seemed like a good thing at first, but in time I realized it was a huge red flag. No one should just go with the flow the whole time. A guy has to step up and show me that he really wants me!
  8. The conversations weren’t that great. You know those amazing, deep conversations you have with someone that make you feel alive? Yeah, this guy and I never really had those. I kept thinking he was just taking his time to open up, but then after we became a couple and he was still holding back, I realized we just didn’t connect on that level.
  9. I was his dirty little secret. It took so long for him to be OK with us telling people that we were a couple. It was insane. He never let me meet his loved ones and didn’t want to make things Facebook official. I should’ve realized something was wrong, but stupidly I thought that once we were official, we’d pick up the pace. That obviously didn’t happen.
  10. He never gave me access. I always felt like his life and emotional world weren’t open to me, even though we’d been getting to know each other for a while. I couldn’t just show up to visit him and he wouldn’t open up to me about his deepest secrets. There was a limit to how much he was willing to give.
  11. He contradicted himself. There were times in our relationship when he would tell me one thing then do another or change his stories. It could be so confusing! It was a red flag that he was the type of person who was all over the show and couldn’t commit to one thing. Definitely not boyfriend material.
  12. He never really made me feel loved. I was hoping that by the time we defined the relationship and made things official, he would show me how much he liked me. But that never happened and I shouldn’t have been surprised: it’s not like he was forthcoming about his feelings before. He said he liked me, sure, but he never really made me feel it. He lacked those small behaviors that can reveal true feelings for someone. He thought he could get by just by throwing some nice words my way, but they just weren’t enough.

Ultimately, I let myself be blinded by what I thought was love and I looked at our relationship through rose-colored glasses for way too long. Once I finally realized what he was really like, I also realized that I deserved more and I ended things. I only wish I hadn’t wasted my time!

Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.