Before my boyfriend and I became official, we labored through situationship territory. I tried hinting at my desire to make things official but he never really got the hint. Finally, I got tired of it and decided that something had to change. I stopped treating him like a boyfriend since he wasn’t yet, including cutting our previously frequent contact. Funny enough, that did the trick to make him step up to the plate.
- I needed clarity about my place in his life. Situationships can be super taxing, especially if you’re trying to be cool and let things run their course. If you’re like me, you’re hesitant to be the person who asks the “what are we?” question too soon but you crave clarity and purpose from your relationships. I needed to shake things up a notch and make him chase me again.
- Constant communication is a girlfriend privilege. I wanted the closeness, I wanted us to communicate but I wanted it a relationship too. I wanted a relationship with him so badly that I was completely wrapped up in making sure that I was showing him that I could fill that role. I wasn’t making him work for the privilege of having my attention anymore so I decided to turn the tables.
- I deliberately waited to text him back. If someone texts me, I’m not going to be weird and keep you waiting for a response unless I genuinely don’t have my phone on me or I’m in a meeting. These days, I don’t think there are any good excuses for being non-responsive. However, in this particular situation, I needed to make a point. He was so used to hearing from me almost instantaneously whenever he reached out and I feel like he was starting to take it for granted. If he wasn’t going to take our relationship seriously, I wasn’t going to put effort into being attentive to him anymore.
- I didn’t respond to every little text. If he sent me multiple texts in a row, I’d wait to respond and I wouldn’t go out of my way to address every single little thing he said. If his last text was a question I’d answer that one and ignore the previous few.
- I stopped texting him throughout the day. Previously, we communicated all day, every day even when I was on a deadline. However, I had to cut the cord between us to force him to make a decision about our relationship. By pumping the breaks on the volume of communication, I was trying to send the message that I deserved a greater level of commitment from him. I didn’t want to offer it if I wasn’t getting the same in return.
- I stopped offering up information about my life. I intentionally only revealed things when he asked specifically. I started making plans without him and living my life as if I didn’t have a quasi-boyfriend. Ultimately, I think it made him nervous that he might lose me when he saw me take a step back and reclaim my time and energy like that.
- He quickly picked up on the communication changes. Shortly after changing the way we communicated, it seemed like he received the real message I was trying to send. He was texting me more frequently, asking me more questions, calling me, and he was suddenly so interested in closing the gap that I had deliberately created between us. He couldn’t get enough of me! Seeing what life is like without me clearly lit a bit of a fire under him and forced him to step up to the plate.
- I told him what I wanted. Throughout this entire time, I made sure to prepare for the “what are we?” conversation when it eventually came up. I replayed my lines over and over in my head. I was ready to tell him that I deserved more and that I wanted a commitment from him. When he finally asked me why I was acting so distant, I explained that I couldn’t continue to fill the role of girlfriend for him without actually knowing that I actually am. I know that labels aren’t for everyone but they’re important to me.
- Mind games are risky but I’m glad I took this one. Admittedly, I think it’s risky to play tit for tat like this. Mind games are obviously not the solution to every relationship problem. But sometimes shaking up your routine and deliberately forcing your loved one to see your relationship differently is one way to approach the problem or question.
- Some guys won’t change until you make them see the difference. Many men are visual and experiential learners. They need to actually experience a change in their lives and they need to see the difference in order to move forward to the next step. You can drop hints with words or you can even ask whether you’re in a relationship or not. But sometimes you say the most through action and this is what in my situation. At the end of the day, I took matters into my own hands to elevate my relationship and it worked!
