Sorry Bro, My Butt Is An Exit Only

I consider myself a pretty open-minded person, but there are some things I just won’t do. I have no idea what guys find appealing about butt sex, but unfortunately for them, I’m never willing to find out.

  1. I hate pain. Let’s think about this for a second. The human vagina is meant to stretch so far that it can push a full-size baby out of it. And yet, the first time most of us have sex, it hurts. You’re trying to tell me that shoving your penis inside a hole that doesn’t stretch at all and is only meant to allow poop to come out isn’t going to be excruciating? A guy tried to stick his finger in there one time and I freaked out. If a thumb hurt, how on earth would it feel to have something bigger in there? Ouch.
  2. Is my vagina not good enough for you? I assume the number one appeal for guys is that it’s tighter than the other hole. Well duh, it’s tight because nothing is supposed to go in or out of it. But more than that, have you ever considered that by asking me to let you give it to me in the butt, you’re implying that my other lady parts don’t do it for you? I know you’re not trying to be insulting, but you can’t blame me for being slightly offended.
  3. There are plenty of other creative options. I totally get wanting to change it up, but there are lots of ways to do that leaving my butthole and my pride intact. This is literally what funky and adventurous sex positions were designed for! We can even try it from behind so that you feel like you’re sticking it in my butt, but you won’t actually be scarring me for life. Not to mention I have a very warm tongue and very experienced hands that are happy to join the party. I’m all for spicing it up, but we can do it without going around the back.
  4. I’m already self-conscious enough. It’s taken me awhile to feel confident during sex, even when my flab and body parts are bouncing around unceremoniously. Now, you’re asking me to assume an entirely different position that will show you a whole new level of jiggles and rolls… no thank you.
  5. Let’s be real — it’s disgusting. I only use my butt for one thing, and I don’t have to tell you what that is. It’s gross enough to fart around you, let alone pull the “I got caught up checking Instagram when I was peeing” excuse when we all know I was taking a crap. We don’t talk about poop, so why on earth would I  want you in and around the mechanism that lets it out? No matter how much I clean it off, I can’t help but be terrified something would make a surprise appearance. God forbid that happened — I would literally never be able to face you again.
  6. I’d like to enjoy myself too. I’ve heard that some girls like butt, but I’d bet my first child that I won’t be one of them. It’s not needy to want to get some type of pleasure from whatever it is that we’re doing. Even if it doesn’t hurt as bad as I’d imagine, I’m sure it won’t be comfortable. I’m not asking to orgasm, but I’d rather not lie there wishing it would end. I know you care about my needs too, so will it really do it for you if you know it’s not doing anything for me?
  7. I don’t have anything to barter with. Compromise is healthy in relationships, but in this case, what would I get return? Some girls let the guy do butt in exchange for being eaten out, but I flat out refuse to date a guy who doesn’t already love to go down on me, so that doesn’t apply. If there’s something I’ve been asking from you that you keep refusing, then I can see why you’d want to do a swap. But in this case, there’s nothing worth the physical and mental exhaustion that comes with trying this one out.
  8. I paid attention in health class. It’s a scientific fact that chances of disease and infection are greater when the ass in involved in sex. That makes perfect sense given what happens all up and around there, but it also makes the idea of butt even less appealing. True, we would probably use a condom (you’re nuts if you think I’d ever let you stick that thing in with no lubrication) but that fact remains that it’s just not sanitary.
  9. Even Anastasia Steele won’t do it. Fifty Shades of Grey is about a virgin who’s willing to do everything and anything with her masochistic, sexually experienced, dominant lover. She’ll go for whips, chains, balls stuck up her vagina, gags, you name it. But she won’t do butt stuff. If that’s a hard line for the girl who’s up for anything then it’s sure as hell a reasonable hard line for me.
  10. I value our sex life. The bottom line is that intimacy is something enjoyable for us both. We have great chemistry and a great relationship. I don’t want to throw a wrench in that by trying something that will be incredibly awkward and likely a complete disaster. When I think of hooking up with you, I want my insides to do belly flops of pure excitement. I don’t want to cringe just thinking about you touching me, which is pretty much what happens whenever you suggest butt. So do me and our relationship a solid and drop the butt stuff.
We only have one chance to live this life and I'm making the most of it. I'll make plenty of mistakes along the way but each one will send me further down the right path.