Some guys do like cuddling, and it sounds great in theory to all of us. We know you love spooning but take it from a dude—it’s pretty much our worst nightmare for the following reasons.
- We’re in a really awkward position. It’s cool if you’re the little spoon—you can just lie there and get comfortable and the big spoon’s job is to get into a good position based on yours. The top arm, that one just gets draped over our significant other, is fine—no issues there—but the lower arm is a completely different story. Do we pop it underneath? Do we lay on it? Both methods lead to a numb arm in about no time. You hate when we move to get comfortable, so we try and wedge it up in the air. We contort our bodies into some weird shape that resembles somebody getting struck by lightning midway through attempting the YMCA. It looks odd and it doesn’t feel good.
- It’s so, so hot. I’ve found it to be an almost universal truth that the average female body temperature is hot enough to melt lead. Some men, me included, quite like the feeling of a cool, freshly made bed. We don’t want to go to sleep feeling like we’ve been placed in an incinerator. When we slyly try to roll away after about 60 seconds, please understand it’s because we don’t want to wake up with third-degree burns.
- We both get all sweaty and gross. Snoop Dogg might want to make you sweat but the reality is, unless you’re getting it on, it’s not a good look. The last thing you want to do is pull away from your partner and realize that you have created a wet patch. Sure, it’s nice to do things together, but bed is supposed to be relaxing. Waking up sweaty is the total opposite.
- Your hair gets in our face and it’s annoying. Okay, I’m stereotyping here a little. I realize that not every lady on the planet has long hair, but quite a few of you do. Imagine trying to force feed yourself a Chihuahua and when it gets stuck, trying to wash it down with a glass of sand. That’s literally what spooning is like at times.
- Sometimes we get an awkward boner. When we have the women that we’re in love with, touching our junk with any part of their bodies, no matter how little sexual intent was meant, is going to lead to us getting at least a semi-hard on. It’s really not our fault—it’s biology. The worst thing is that we don’t want you to know about it. (Actually, sometimes we do!) Sometimes, we genuinely just want to be sweet, so we try to arch our butts backward like we’re attempting to imitate a move from a Miley Cyrus video.
- We really don’t like the lack of personal space. It’s fair to say that this is probably more of an issue for the little spoon but it’s not great for us big spoons, either. We don’t want you all up in our personal space and we don’t get why you’re all that into it either, to be honest.
- It’s kinda hard to breathe sometimes. When in this position, we instantly start to worry about that hummus we had for lunch. No exaggeration—I once held my breath for about 30 minutes of spooning because I’d eaten garlic bread and I didn’t want to subject my girlfriend to my breath. If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is.
- The hug and roll is tough to pull off. If you were an avid watcher of Friends in the ’90s (who wasn’t?) then you may well remember this maneuver. It happens when we’re trying to dislodge ourselves from a partner who wants to spoon because all we really want to do is put our head down and get some sleep. Of course in the TV show, being a sitcom, the dislodged partner falls off the bed and the relationship is done. In real life, any attempt to “de-spoon” is usually met with general annoyance.
- It’s a waste of space. If you have a double bed and you’re spooning, you’re effectively only using a single bed’s worth of space. I’m sorry, ladies, but that’s a lot of real estate going to waste. Sadly, we live in a capitalist society—why not take advantage of that untapped resource? When I sleep alone in a double bed, I sleep starfish. This demonstrates my commitment to not letting bed space go to waste. It’s not personal, it’s just common sense.