The Spark Died — And That’s When Our Relationship Got Real

We want to feel the ever-elusive “spark” with someone so we know we’re a good match, and once we have it, we never want to let go of that endorphin-packed feeling of chemistry. However, when the spark died in my six-month relationship, my boyfriend and I weren’t doomed. In reality, it was just the beginning of our relationship.

  1. Admittedly, I was worried at first. When the spark started to fade, I panicked that something was wrong. For as long as I can remember, I was taught to chase the spark at all costs and that without it, a relationship isn’t worthwhile. Because of this, I tried to get our mojo back by doing some dumb, cliche things.
  2. I bought lingerie and booked a vacation. Yup, I went out and bought beautiful, sexy lingerie and insisted we go on some elaborate romantic getaway. I even tried re-enacting the early days of our relationship in hopes of reeling him back in and rekindling the fire I swore we’d lost. It’s so embarrassing to look back on those days and my ridiculous desperation to cling to them.
  3. All of my efforts backfired. Instead of propelling us forward and creating fireworks, some of what we tried to do actually backfired. It felt like we were taking a step back in our relationship. We were striving to go back to the start of our relationship when we couldn’t sleep because we were so excited to be together. Honestly, what we should’ve been doing was trying to progress as a couple. Chasing the spark was holding us back.
  4. Turns out, relationships are the best AFTER the honeymoon phase, not during it. It was stupid to try to go back to that period of butterflies and talking on the phone all night. We had better things going for us now. We could look at each other across the room and know that we were thinking the same thing. We could talk to each other about our bodily functions, which sounds weird but was actually a sign that we were really close. We had greater intimacy than ever before. This is a million times better than having a fickle spark.
  5. The “spark” isn’t meant to be there forever. It forms part of the early stages of dating. It’s sort of like a glue that helps people get together and decide to be together, but then it can safely go away. It’s meant to be that initial form of attraction so that you have something to grow from. It’s not the basis of any long-term relationship.
  6. Our relationship wasn’t dying at all. The spark might’ve died, but our relationship certainly hasn’t. In fact, the opposite is true. It’s growing into something much more special and committed. It would be sad not to appreciate that, but I couldn’t for a long time because I was so caught up in what I thought I should be feeling rather than what I actually was.
  7. After we said goodbye to the spark, that’s when things got real. When the spark died, our relationship got real. We got to see what was really there between us without the distraction of lust. We had to see what we were really like and if we were really compatible long-term. This isn’t always easy to face, which is probably why there’s always that knee-jerk reaction to go back to the spark. Luckily, we had something stronger going for us.
  8. We hit an important milestone. I think that reaching the point of losing the spark is actually an important milestone. It means that things really are serious. My BF and I were ready to embrace that instead of making us desire the silly puppy love we’d lost. Who needed that?
  9. We’re still attracted to each other. There’s a big myth out there that says when you lose the spark in your relationship, you’re no longer attracted to them or having enough sex. Both of these are total BS! My BF and I were still crazy about each other. We did, however, realize that we don’t have to be in bed together all day to have a good time or feel close. Our intimacy is still strong in the sack, but it’s even stronger outside of the bedroom. When he looks at me, I feel gorgeous not just because of my appearance but because of my soul and personality.
  10. Essentially, sparks are overrated. I do believe that sparks are important when meeting someone and starting a relationship with them, but I used to search for them desperately and because of that, I missed out on some parts of my relationship that are even better.
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.