Relationships require a willingness to compromise and most of the time, my boyfriend and I are absolute pros at meeting halfway. However, there’s one touchy subject that sets both of us off and leaves us deadlocked in a perpetual stalemate: settling down and what that means to us. I want to get engaged and he’d rather I have another baby than a wedding. Ugh.
- I already have one child but he wants another before he proposes. Don’t get me wrong — I’m all about personal sacrifices for the sake of someone’s happiness, but I’m totally not ready to create another human life for the purpose of getting married. I don’t want it that badly. Plus, it’s my body, so we’re going to be playing by my rules.
- He wants to have a big family and since he’s older than me, he’s ready to get started on it. I think he secretly feels like his biological clock is ticking, and helping raise my son (who isn’t his) is only making it worse. Plus, I feel like he has this weird sort of secret resentment towards my douchebag ex for having a kid with me when I won’t have a kid with my current boyfriend. I guess I shouldn’t complain too much. I mean, I landed the kind of man most girls dream about; the kind who wants to settle down before turning 30. Unfortunately for me, I’m just not there yet.
- I’m only 22 years old so I don’t feel that sense of urgency about babies. My son is going to be four this year, and we’re just now hitting the age where we can regularly go out into the world like adults my age do. I’m just not ready to give up the last little shred of freedom that I have left to give birth to another snot-monger. Not to mention the fact that, you know, I do have a kid already, so I don’t have the compulsion to make another just yet.
- I’ve already done the whole kid before marriage thing. I know getting married doesn’t change anything, but I really messed up last time with my ex and I don’t want to make the same mistake this time around. Marriage just feels like the safety net that I need to move forward with my life with my boyfriend now. That’s definitely a personal hangup that’s entirely trivial in his eyes, but it’s important to me.
- I remember the hell that was raising an infant alone. You get so little sleep that you end up falling asleep holding the baby, hallucinating for weeks or months on end, vomiting from being overtired, and you’re emotional AF on top of it all. It was hell and my ex totally bailed on me and left me to raise my son alone. I’m secretly worried about reliving that with my boyfriend. I know it’s not his fault and they’re not even close to being similar, but it still scares the hell out of me. Somehow, I think marriage will fix that.
- He’s pretty confident about his abilities to parent. It makes sense — he spends more time with my son than my ex ever did, so he’s already got the basics of toddler parenting down. What I think he fails to realize is that there were two years of my son’s life that he missed. Raising a toddler and raising an infant are two entirely different hells that are not even in the same ballpark. One is a physically exhausted hell and the other is an emotionally exhausted hell — they’re not even compatible.
- I do eventually want another kid, so I feel bad arguing about it. I do want to have another baby somewhat soon, I think — maybe in a year or so. Since I already have one kid, I might as well have another so I can be a super young hot grandma and enjoy the future generations for longer, right? I guess if I had another kid soonish, I’d be young enough to travel the world when they moved out, which I missed the opportunity to do the first time around.
- My guy has the willpower of a stone statue. He’s so strong-willed that it’s infuriating. Plus, his underlying pride prevents him from folding because he has this drive to win this one. I know this is kind of stupid since he’s not against getting married and I’m not against having more kids, but we’re at a stalemate and neither of us is ready to give in first.
- I’ve already seen how this plays out. I’m not too proud to fold, but I do have the experience that tells me to listen to my gut. I’ve made enough mistakes to hold me over for 15 lifetimes and I’m not going to repeat them anytime soon. I don’t think this is the right time to get pregnant again yet, but I truly believe we’re ready to get married and I want that to happen before I bring any new lives into this world.
