Stop Blaming The Other Woman — The Problem Is The Guy Who Cheated!

Stop Blaming The Other Woman — The Problem Is The Guy Who Cheated! ©iStock/djiledesign

If you’ve been cheated on and you’re blaming the other woman, you’re totally missing the point or you’re in serious denial. Here’s why:

  1. Your BF was supposed to be loyal. It sucks that a woman wouldn’t think twice about getting with a guy who’s spoken for, but your loser boyfriend was supposed to honor your relationship. You were in a relationship with him, not her. He’s the one who owed you honesty and loyalty. Whether or not she’s an evil temptress is not the point. Sure, she should have cared about sisterhood and girl power, but she didn’t owe you even half as much as he did.
  2. It takes two to horizontal mambo. Yes, she’s sleazy for sleeping with your boyfriend, but he jumped into her bed. It takes two to make an affair happen. If you’re going to be angry at her, at least offer him the same courtesy. He made a choice to do that to you. He actually CHOSE to be with another woman behind your back.
  3. She might not have known. It’s possible that the other woman didn’t even know you existed. He could have charmed her into thinking she was his one and only. So you might be hating her, but he’s the one who could be lying to both of you. Heck, even if he was honest with her about being in a relationship with you, you can bet he’s going to be doing other dodgy things to her. Liars lie. Scum is scum.
  4. Don’t waste your time making it a gender war. It might feel easier to get angry with the other woman instead of your BF by saying, “Boys will be boys.” This mantra sometimes goes deep, but it’s so warped. Just because you might expect guys to be losers and it’s hard to imagine a woman doing something horrible to another woman, the issue isn’t about gender. It’s about people either being cool or disgusting. Men who cheat shouldn’t be let off because they’re men. That’s such BS! Your BF needs to feel the depth of how wrong he was.
  5. It’s easier to hate someone you don’t know. You just think of the other woman (even if you’ve never seen her) and you feel the rage build up inside of you. That’s understandable ’cause it’s so much easier to fight a phantom in your mind. It’s way harder to have to deal with your BF who’s standing right in front of you and forcing you to face the pain behind that wall of anger.
  6. Blaming him is tough because it means relationship work. Sometimes it’s easier to blame the other woman because if you focus on your BF you have to face up to the fact that your relationship wasn’t what you thought it was. But it’s a must so you can deal with it, see what’s really going on in your relationship, and give the jerk his marching orders.
  7. Blaming her is really blaming yourself. If you direct your anger on the other woman, you’re going to come back to blaming yourself soon. Here’s how: it starts with thoughts like, “God, how could she steal him?” and then it becomes, “God, how could she steal him away? She must be prettier/thinner/more interesting than me.” Which then makes you hate yourself. This is crap! Getting cheated on is not your fault. Period. Blame him from the start because that’s where all your anger has a right to be and he deserves every inch of it.
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.