Stop Messaging Dudes On Dating Apps & Let Them Come To You First

There are all kinds of stats about how women who send the first message on dating apps get more dates and more relationships. Since that’s your goal, you probably figure that this is how you should be doing things, but you might want to rethink your process and wait for guys to hit you up first—here’s why:

  1. You’ll know that he’s truly interested. When you message someone, you’re totally taking a gamble. You have no idea if they think you’re attractive or are even looking to talk to anyone. If a guy messages you first, you at least know that he likes the way that you look and that he wants to talk to you. Sure, things might not work out and you might not even get past the first few messages, but that could happen if you message first too.
  2. It’ll take the pressure off. Instead of telling yourself that you have to log into your account or open your dating app and find a bunch of people to message, you can sit back and chill. Since dating is so stressful, approaching your love life from a place of calm isn’t the worst idea in the world. It’s not like you want to just totally give up and stop dating. When you’re fed up with dating (which is a lot of the time), this might be a good compromise.
  3. It’s a serious confidence boost. If nothing else, you’ll get a major confidence boost from being messaged. Why not enjoy it? You’ve been on enough bad dates and faced enough rejection. It’s time to celebrate how amazing you are. Of course these guys want to message you. You’re a total catch. Instead of wondering if they’re weird or not, which might be your current go-to thought when someone messages you on a dating site, try thinking about all that you have to offer.
  4. It proves that he can put some effort in. One of the toughest things about dating is that even if you meet a guy who seems super awesome, he might not pursue you at all. You might have to do everything, whether that’s making plans or texting just to chat, and that’s not fair or right. If a guy messages you first, at least you know that he can put some effort in. That honestly says a lot, regardless of what actually happens.
  5. It’s good to make a change. Like anything in life, dating can get old and fast. Do you always send the first message? Why not wait for guys to come to you and do something different? At the least, it’s going to be a nice break and a new experience. At the most, you’re going to hear from someone really amazing.
  6. It’s old-school for a reason. Sure, it’s not the 1950s anymore. Women ask men out online all the time. Making the first move is no big deal and can even be pretty hot. But in the old days, guys always did the asking out. There’s something about knowing that someone is pursuing you that just feels good. You just might like dating this way.
  7. Guys who message first could be more likely to want commitment. There’s no way to know if this is actually true. It would be way too hard to study something like this since there are so many variables. You just have to test it on your own. It’s safe to say that if he’s messaging you, he probably wants a girlfriend, and that’s more than you can say for a lot of guys (especially the ones that you’ve been dating lately, most likely).
  8. It’s the digital version of what happens in real life. Of course girls can ask guys out in person, but when you think about the old-fashioned way that people get together, you definitely picture a guy walking up to a girl in a bar and asking her out. It’s just a thing. Since that’s kind of the natural order of things, why not allow that to happen digitally?
  9. You have no reason not to. You’re single. You’re dating. You want to meet someone and you want to meet them soon. Why not be interested in the guys who message you first and give them a shot? You have no reason not to. And sometimes, especially when it comes to how crazy dating can be, that’s enough.
  10. It forces you to stay open-minded. You probably get some messages now, but if you’re used to sending the first message, you might not take them all that seriously. If you typically delete these messages because you want to choose the guys yourself, you should think twice about that. What if you’re closing yourself off to some truly great people? Keep an open mind and message back. You really don’t know what could happen.
Aya Tsintziras is a freelance lifestyle writer and editor from Toronto, Canada. In addition to writing about dating and relationships for Bolde, she also writes about movies, TV, and video games for ScreenRant and GameRant. She has a Political Science degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters of Journalism from Ryerson University. You can find her on Twitter @ayatsintziras and on Instagram @aya.tsintziras.