I Stopped Waiting To Be Loved Right & Started Teaching My Partners How To Do It

I’ve been in too many relationships that ended because we didn’t speak the same love language. I threw my affection into the wind, hoping it’d return to me in the way that I wanted and deserved. It never did, so I decided to take charge and show my partners how I want to be loved instead of waiting for them to figure it out.

I hate having to guess how someone feels about me. I tend to overanalyze things a lot. If a mountain can be made out of a tiny speck of dust, my mind will conjure up the tallest one. If I keep waiting for someone to love me right, I have to overthink every single one of their actions and look for double meanings in every conversation because I’m not sure what they feel. Is this their way of saying I’m special or are they like this with everyone? If I teach them how to love me and they show me love that way, I don’t have to worry.

It saves a lot of time. Dating games are for teenagers. I want to know if my relationship is capable of going where I want it to go. That means communicating my needs and desires. If my standards are impossible for my partner to meet, I want to be told from the get-go so I don’t waste my time dating someone who can’t reciprocate my love the right way.

It leaves room to get to know each other better. There are so many reasons people give or accept love the way they do. By letting my partners know how I want to be loved, it allows us to be honest, vulnerable, and better understand each other. For instance, I’m terrible at gift giving because my parents never gave gifts while I was growing up, and that makes it hard for me to accept them too. That’s just not how I express love or like to receive it. I’d rather we get to know each other on equal footing.

There’ll be one less thing to fight about. Instead of having arguments every time about how my partner doing or not doing something makes me feel like they don’t care about me, I get to be upfront about what I want or won’t tolerate under any circumstances. As long as they’re listening to me, the relationship is going to be fine.

All gestures matter, small or grand. I’m a big believer in show and tell. Tell me you love me, tell me why, tell me how much I mean to you, compliment me, talk to me. And when you’re done, show me with your actions that all you say is true. I want bold displays of affection in public and private. I want my partner to do the little things as well as the big ones. It’s not OK for them to do it once in a while—they have to be consistent.

My partner doesn’t get an “A” for effort. Love is work. It’s not idly sailing from one day to the next. If I’m putting in 100%, I need to know my partner is doing the same. I know there are going to be days when the relationship seems unbalanced or one-sided and the other person will have to pick up the slack. I’m not saying it has to be perfect, but it should be pretty darn wonderful. It is not just the thought that counts, the actions matter too.

I won’t apologize for going after what I want. If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. The same applies to love. I’m not going to sit around and wait for “The One” to come along and shower me with the love I deserve. I’m going to make it happen for myself. I realize that this can be intimidating for a lot of people but I don’t care. I didn’t say it’d be easy, just that it’d be worth it in the end.

I’m not a romance lab rat. If someone can’t love me the right way, I’d rather that they don’t love me at all. Love is a risk in that you never really know what it has in store for you until you’re in it, but that’s no excuse to allow anyone to experiment with my heart as they please. Either they love me the way I want or they don’t need to be part of my life. I’m fine with walking away.

I can’t be in a relationship where I’m constantly wanting more. When I’m with a person, I want to feel content. I want to be happy with where I’m at. I want to feel full of love. I want to know they care about me as much as I care about them. The best way to ensure that happens is helping my partner learn all the many ways to love me properly.

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