I Struggle To Stay Interested Once I Get The Guy & It’s A Serious Problem

It’s all fun and games until the chase ends—then my interest in the guy dies along with it. No matter how hard I try, I struggle to maintain my feelings for a guy once I have him.

  1. I love a challenge. I’ve always loved a challenge. When it comes to guys, I like choosing the ones who are a little emotionally distant or aloof. It sounds weird but it gives me a bit of a kick. It feels more interesting than dealing with a super nice guy because it gives me a chance to see what I can achieve and if I can get the guy to like me. I know that kind of sounds like a business deal or something but that’s just how my brain works.
  2. It’s about my ego. I know I shouldn’t be too focused on the ego, but sometimes I can’t help it. When I try to get with an emotionally unavailable man, I feel like I want him because it will make me feel better about myself. It’s like a way to gain a few more points of self-worth. Sometimes I don’t even realize I’m doing this until after it happens.
  3. I like a distraction. The chase stage of dating can be quite exhilarating. It’s also a good way to have a nice distraction away from reality, but that’s the thing: it’s not something permanent. It dies away sooner or later. Either the guy will reject me or start dating me. Honestly, sometimes it’s better if the former happens so we can both just get on with our lives and avoid complication.
  4. I get bored easily. The guy can be the most amazing person I’ve ever met and I’ll want to date him so badly… but then, once I get with him, my boredom sets in. Suddenly, I feel like he’s not as amazing as he seemed when I was chasing him. Obviously the guy hasn’t changed, I did. I start seeing him differently. Maybe because the chase is over, I’m not really too sure what to do next.
  5. I like drama. I’ve come to realize that I really like drama. I’m not talking about toxic drama like fighting, I’m talking about a little thrill and excitement. The chase is the perfect example of this in relationships for me. Once it’s over, I feel like “settling in” sets in and that freaks me out because it’s not exciting enough.
  6. Maybe I never wanted the guy. Since I like a challenge so much, it begs the question: Did I ever really like the guy? Maybe I was just after him to fulfill my own need for more self-worth and happiness, and an escape from reality.
  7. I love the chase when the guy’s an a-hole. I’ve noticed a funny thing: I really like the chase when the guy’s been giving me mixed messages about whether or not he wants to date me. In this situation, I feel the need to take charge of the situation and go after him instead of waiting around. Of course, a better thing to do would be to move on fast so he doesn’t continue wasting my time, but there’s always that part of me that thinks, “Maybe he’ll come around…” The desire to change someone can be addictive!
  8. Other times, the chase means nothing. When I go for a guy because I really like him, I don’t feel like the chase is the most important part of relationships. I’m eager to settle into a committed and exclusive relationship and I don’t feel the urge to run. So I think it’s a good sign for me to spot in future: when the chase is too alluring and too exciting, then I’m probably not really into the guy. Time to move on so no one gets hurt!
  9. I like to be a bit adventurous. I’m not really into adrenaline sports or activities, but my pulse quickens when I spot a guy who seems like the full package. I want to make him mine, so I try to ignore the fact that he’s kinda seeing someone else or he’s not really looking my way. It’s like jumping off a cliff with a bungee cord, and I always get such a rush from it!
  10. There’s no fun in trying to keep him. The funny thing about the chase is that it’s all fun when there are sparks and butterflies and “what if?” thoughts, like “What if he likes me back?” But that doesn’t last very long. If he starts dating me, the real pressure enters the picture. That excitement I felt during the chase turns into anxiety. If I genuinely like the guy, I start to panic that he’ll get tired of me or move on to someone else. It’s a total nightmare.
  11. The chase keeps commitment at the door. Sometimes, committing to someone and putting my heart on the line is really scary. By focusing on the lighter aspects of dating, such as the chase, I don’t have to get too serious about someone. It makes me feel I’m guarding my heart. Of course, there’s a cost to doing this – I don’t allow myself to find someone to love.
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.