Dating isn’t easy for anyone, but I maintain that it’s harder if you’re fat. It’s like, “How dare you be fat and expect the love and affection of another human being? How dare you go out on dates or hope for a sex life? You’re fat; you can’t have those things.” You’re viewed as audacious and delusional, and it’s really kind of ridiculous.

You can’t confidently share full-body pictures on dating apps.

It’s an open invitation for comments that instantly remind you why you hate taking full-body shots in the first place. Even if you find a photo of yourself that you genuinely don’t hate, someone will come along and knock you down a peg or two. People will swipe right just to tell you that they’re not at all attracted to you. Okay, thanks?

Using your best angles is somehow considered a “lie.”

Share a selfie on Tinder or another dating app and you’re a liar. How dare you discover your best angles? How do you have the audacity to make yourself look good?

People match with you just to tell you that you’re fat.

Being married, I thankfully do not have to deal with this anymore, but I do have a tip for you if this ever happens. Act surprised. “OMG, what? I’m fat?! Are you sure? How come no one’s ever told me before?! I had no idea until just this very moment!”

There’s a lot of unnecessary abuse.

It comes from all directions, not just online or through apps. The idea that a fat woman puts herself out there triggers a section of the population. They can’t handle the thought of an overweight woman having the confidence to date or to even admit that she’s a romantic, sexual being looking for a relationship. It’s unnecessary. Women don’t swipe on every bald guy to tell him that bald dudes don’t deserve happiness and he’s going to die alone.

Concern trolls like to give you dieting and exercise advice.

They’re not trying to help you. Know how I know that? Because they don’t actually know you. When you’re at the store to buy a new outfit for your upcoming date, the salesperson who’s telling you that you have such a pretty face but you should try some cardio? That jerk knows nothing about your life, your health, or your history. It’s just somehow acceptable to tell fat women what they need to do differently.

You get to hear how much prettier you’d be if you lost weight over and over again.

Also, that whole “you have such a pretty face” BS? That’s some foulness. You hear it all the time, though, from salespeople, randos at the restaurant, your landlord, that guy who walks his dog in front of your house, and even your dates. To be talking to someone who says to you, “I’d be really into you if you lost some weight” is devastating. Sure, okay, preferences are preferences and props for being honest, I guess, but you’re not hiding. There’s no reason for anyone to go out of her or his way to tell you what you need to fix before you’re “acceptable.” Also, no, you’re beautiful, period. There’s no “but” or “except” or “if.”

The fetishists show up in droves.

Chubby chasers. Even the term is cringe-worthy. They’re out there and they prey on insecurities. It’s tempting to just go with it sometimes, if only because you’re so happy to meet someone who’s interested in you, but you have to remember something: not every fetishist considers you a person. You’re the fetish, an object of desire. The keyword here is “object.” It’s one thing to meet someone who likes fuller figured women; it’s another to meet someone who exclusively dates fat people and gets off on the fat rather than the person.

Lots of dudes want to “date” you on the down low.

Oh, you’ve heard the jokes, right? Dating a fat girl is like having a moped because you don’t want your friends to see you riding either one, hyuck hyuck hyuck. FOH, hater. These guys have the same lines but it basically comes down to the fact that you’re pretty, funny, and smart, but you’re fat, so they’re not looking for anything serious. If you’re not good enough to date in daylight, then tell that jackhole to bounce. You’re not a down low girl.

Some guys think that all fat girls are freaks in bed.

There’s this idea that fat women have to compensate for being fat by being wild. There’s a book, Moose, that describes the myth quite well. As a fuller figured woman, it’s like you have to do everything better than smaller women. Being adventurous in bed is supposed to give us a leg up or something.

Reject a guy and it’s open season. It’s bad news, anyway.

Regardless of your size, if you’ve ever been on a dating site or an app, or if you’ve ever turned down a dude in person, you know this scenario has the potential to get hideously ugly. It’s even worse if you’re a larger woman. “I didn’t want you anyway.” “Screw you, you fat bitch, you should be grateful I’m even talking to you.” “I wouldn’t be seen with a fat chick.”

You’re treated like a person until the end of the date.

It seems like such a fabulous date. You make each other laugh. He seems interested in what you have to say. You’ve been holding hands. You shared a steamy kiss at the end of the night. And then … nothing. It all stops.

Ghosting is an epidemic.

I have no proof in saying that fat girls get ghosted more often, but back when I still forced myself to date dudes, it happened to the women in my circle and me. Why do guys who do that go out with you in the first place? Why have a nice time only to disappear? We may never know the reason for the date, but we’re always pretty positive about the cause of the ghosting.

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