The Struggles Of Being A Girl With A Big Butt

Sir Mix-A-Lot was a game changer for those of us blessed with an extra plump derriere. These days, there are a ton of songs devoted to the feature, and celebs like J.Lo and Kim Kardashian have really put us on the map of being desirable. Having a booty these days is a good thing, but living with one comes with its own unique challenges:

  1. Navigating our way through narrow spaces is like playing Tetris. Tight spaces are our nemeses. We have to carefully swivel and turn in awkward directions just to make it through safely.
  2. We’re constantly unintentionally knocking stuff over. Whether we’re attempting to navigate a tight space or just walking down a crowded grocery aisle, inanimate objects fall victim to our butts and fall off shelves and tables all the time. You’re welcome for the half-off dented can.
  3. Buying dresses is a challenge. Shopping for a form-fitting dress is completely aggravating. If it fits perfectly up top, it won’t fit over our butts; if it fits on our butts, we’re swimming in fabric up top. We usually opt for an A-Line look because they’re always a safe bet.
  4. Putting on jeans is a workout in itself. Did you do your squats and lunges today? We did, because we had to in order to stretch the denim out just enough to get the fabric over our backsides. And don’t even get us started on the torture of shopping for a new pair of jeans —  a great fitting pair of jeans to a girl with a big butt is like the Holy Grail.
  5. Squat booty? Nope — just meat on the bones here. Everyone’s busting their asses at the gym to try to “grow their booties” and we’re just sitting here like, “You want some of mine? We can share!” When we’re in the gym actually doing our squats with a naturally big butt, everyone is staring which can feel a bit awkward at times.
  6. Booty shorts have a whole new meaning on our cheeks. When summer arrives and we look for the perfect pair of shorts, we’re quickly disappointed when we try on a cute pair and half our butt cheeks hang out the bottom. Dear summer short makers: Please start making booty friendly summer trends.
  7. Bathing suits are a pain in the ass. There’s no such thing as a size medium suit that will fit us top to bottom. If we can’t mix and match the sizes, we don’t want it. Large bottoms and a small or medium top, please and thanks.
  8. 8. We’re constantly having to pull down our clothes. When we do find clothing that fits decently enough, we usually find ourselves tugging at them so we don’t unintentionally flash everyone in our vicinity. The good news is that we’ve become masters at subtle adjustments.
  9. We’re prime targets for catcalling. We’re used to being called out in public by complete strangers for packing from the back. Catcallers save their most atrocious behaviors for us. “Dat ass” and being compared to Nicki Minaj or J.Lo aren’t foreign words to us. Oh, I have a big butt? Please tell me something I don’t know. Insert eye roll here.
  10. Can you share this seat with us? Umm, no. Do you see this big beautiful mass I’m carrying underneath my lap? It won’t share. Please find another seat. Our butts need all the comfort they can get.
  11. Yoga pants are unintentionally seducing. Yoga pants make any butt look precious, but imagine what it does to someone who’s already got more than they bargained for.
  12. Stadiums and movie theaters are the worst. I’m sorry about my butt in your face — I just needed to get back to my seat. The struggle is real.
  13. We occasionally get stuck in chairs. Who made this chair? Is this a chair for children? Ugh.
  14. Our butts are physically numb after a spin class. And we really wish someone would finally design a bicycle seat that is meant for larger butts.
  15. Everyone points at us when a song about butts comes on. Because we’re obliged to do a celebratory dance in its honor, always.