We’ve all carried shame at some point—it’s one of those heavy emotions that can weigh us down without us even realizing it. The tricky thing about shame is that it hides in the background, impacting how we see ourselves and interact with others. If you’ve been feeling stuck or less confident than usual, you might be carrying more shame than you realize. Let’s break it down and talk about the signs of shame—and more importantly, how to let go of it. Here are 15 signs you’re carrying a lot of shame and what you can do to offload it.
1. You’re Always Apologizing, Even When It’s Not Necessary
If “I’m sorry” is a phrase you say too often—sometimes for things that aren’t even your fault—it’s a sign you might be carrying shame. It could stem from feeling like you’re always doing something wrong, even when you aren’t. If you want to change this, start noticing when and why you apologize. Ask yourself if it’s really needed or if it’s just a reflex. Practice replacing unnecessary apologies with expressions of your needs or feelings.
2. You Keep Your Feelings to Yourself
Do you struggle to open up about what’s really going on? Shame can make us feel like our emotions aren’t valid or that we shouldn’t burden others with them. So, we stay quiet, even when we need support. Start by sharing your feelings with someone you trust. Vulnerability can help release the shame you’re holding. If it feels like too much to share with friends, therapy is a great space to start opening up.
3. Compliments Make You Uncomfortable
When someone gives you a compliment, you might brush it off or immediately downplay it. That discomfort could be because, deep down, you don’t think you deserve the praise. The next time someone compliments you, try simply saying “thank you” without deflecting. Let it sit, even if it feels awkward. This will help you start believing in the good things people see in you.
4. You’re Always Trying to Prove Yourself
If you constantly feel like you have to prove your worth—whether it’s through work, relationships, or achievements—there’s probably some shame at play. Take a step back and ask yourself why you’re pushing yourself so hard. Are you doing it because you truly enjoy the challenge or because you feel like you have something to prove? Instead of seeking external praise, start working on internal validation.
5. You’re a Perfectionist
Perfectionism and shame are like old buddies. You set impossibly high standards because anything less feels like failure. And when you don’t hit those unrealistic goals, you fall into a shame spiral. Give yourself permission to be human. Set realistic goals and celebrate your progress, not just the end result. Mistakes and imperfections are part of growth, not reasons to feel ashamed.
6. You’re Incredibly Hard on Yourself
If you’re your own worst critic, constantly beating yourself up for every little mistake, you might be carrying more shame than you realize. That harsh inner voice can be relentless when you’re struggling with self-worth. Though you might think it’s normal, it’s not. The next time you catch yourself being critical, pause and think, “Would I say this to a friend?” Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you’d offer someone else.
7. You Keep People at a Distance
Do you avoid letting people get too close because you’re worried they’ll see the “real” you? Shame can make you feel unworthy of love, so you push people away before they get a chance to really know you. Though it’s hard, you need to learn to let people in, even if it’s a little uncomfortable. Start by opening up in small ways. Vulnerability is one of the best ways to combat shame and build stronger connections with others.
8. You Feel Like a Fraud
If you’ve ever felt like an imposter, even after achieving something big, it might be shame whispering in your ear. You might feel like you’ve fooled everyone into thinking you’re competent, and any minute now, they’ll figure out the truth. Remind yourself that no one has it all figured out. Write down your accomplishments and recognize the hard work you’ve put in. You’re where you are because you’ve earned it, not because of luck or chance.
9. You Struggle to Feel Worthy
If, deep down, you believe you’re not worthy of love, success, or happiness, it’s likely that shame is at the root of it. This feeling of unworthiness can quietly affect every area of your life without you even realizing it. Challenge those negative beliefs about yourself. Try affirmations or journaling about what makes you worthy and deserving. Therapy is also a great place to rebuild your sense of self-worth and challenge those deep-seated doubts.
10. You’re Afraid to Take Risks
Shame can make failure seem unbearable, so you might avoid taking risks altogether. It’s easier to stay in your comfort zone than risk falling short and feeling like your worst fears about yourself are confirmed. Start with small risks. Whether it’s trying something new at work or speaking up in a group, each little step outside your comfort zone helps build your confidence and chips away at the shame.
11. You Feel Guilty About Everything
If you’re constantly feeling guilty—even for things that aren’t your fault—that’s shame talking. Guilt says, “I did something bad,” while shame says, “I am bad.” If guilt seems to always be lurking somewhere in your head, it’s likely fueled by underlying shame. Separate guilt from shame. Think about why you’re actually feeling guilty, and if it’s based on unrealistic expectations, let yourself off the hook. Forgive yourself and practice a little self-compassion.
12. You Can’t Let Go of the Past
If you find yourself replaying past mistakes over and over again, or if you feel stuck in the shame of something that happened years ago, it’s a sign that shame has got a grip on you. It’s keeping you tethered to the past and stopping you from moving on. Focus on self-forgiveness. Write down what you’ve learned from those experiences and how they helped shape who you are today.
13. You Get Defensive When Someone Criticizes You
If criticism—no matter how well-meaning—feels like a personal attack to you, it could be because you’re already carrying a ton of shame. It’s hard to take feedback when you’re sensitive about your own perceived flaws. Try to see criticism as a way to grow, not as a judgment on your worth. Next time you get feedback, take a deep breath, listen, and remind yourself that criticism is about improvement, not about you as a person.
14. You’re Always in Survival Mode
When you’re carrying shame, life can feel like a constant battle just to keep your head above water. You might feel like you’re always struggling to hold it all together and you’re afraid that if you let your guard down, everything will fall apart. It’s important to learn to give yourself a break. It’s okay to ask for help, and it’s okay to rest.
15. You Struggle to Celebrate Your Wins
When something good happens, do you downplay it or brush it off? Shame can make you feel like you don’t deserve success or happiness, so instead of celebrating your achievements, you ignore them. Practice acknowledging your accomplishments, big or small. Take a moment to celebrate what you’ve done, even if it’s uncomfortable.
