I Suck At Texting And I’m Convinced That’s Why I’m Single

I’m a total catch but I don’t have a boyfriend and the only explanation I can think of for why that is that I’m terrible at texting. Call me old-fashioned but I prefer to flirt face to face and that seems to work against me.

  1. Small talk irritates me. Seriously, what’s the point of it? It’s a complete waste of time but somehow small talk makes people feel like they’re getting to know each other. I’d rather be asked a serious, maybe slightly too personal question than being asked for a play-by-play of my Tuesday. At least we’d be learning something about each other. However, I’ve come to realize that most people are worried about seeming too interested, which is apparently a thing, so they don’t bother. Sigh.
  2. I don’t think you can make a real connection over the phone. I hear about all these stories of people having online relationships that last years without ever meeting each other face to face and it not only baffles me but creeps me out. I’ve seen Catfish! I know the signs! I guess I just have this little voice in my head that convinces me that any text I receive is only 60% likely from the person I think it is. I can’t handle it.
  3. I’ve been told I’m too blunt. A big part of flirting these days is being vague and mysterious, it seems. I’m a big believer in saying exactly what you mean, but apparently being too honest is now a bad thing. Again, I just don’t buy into the games that are common these days in the world of text flirting, and this makes me seem serious or boring when I’m just trying to be an honest version of myself.
  4. My sense of humor doesn’t always translate well. I’m all in favor of a font especially used for sarcasm because I can’t even count how many times people thought I was being a complete bitch when I was just trying to make a joke. It’s really hard to come back from someone thinking you’re horrible and try to convince them that you’re actually funny. Yikes.
  5. I’m actually really busy. I wish I had the time to sit around on my phone 24/7 but the reality is, I don’t. Most of the time, my phone is rattling around in the bottom of my bag while I’m busy getting through my hectic day. Sure, I’m able to send a few text messages throughout the day by taking advantage of my car’s voice-activated Bluetooth feature, but that’s it until I’m home for the evening. Then my phone moves from my bag to the counter, where I forget about it until tomorrow morning when I grab it as I run out the door and shove it back into my bag.
  6. Emojis honestly confuse me. I’m all for using a cheesy smiley or a wine glass emoji with my best friends, but for some reason, as soon as I’m texting a guy I overthink it. I just feel like each emoji has an alternate meaning and I don’t want to send the wrong signal. It usually goes one of two ways. I either send way too many blushing faces where I have to actually apologize or I send absolutely no emojis and seem like an emotionless bore. It’s a lose-lose situation.
  7. Guys think I’m ghosting them or not interested when I don’t respond right away. Since I don’t always have my phone on me, I tend to miss a few texts. I don’t mean to, it just happens. However, since “ghosting” seems to be everyone’s go-to move nowadays, I’ve been getting into more trouble than I expected. It’s the worst feeling in the world when a guy I’m actually interested in moves on or thinks I don’t care all because I don’t text as frequently as everyone else.
  8. I tend to misspell a lot of words. It’s not like I don’t know how to spell, I just don’t take the time to spellcheck each text before hitting send. I come across looking dumb by not knowing the difference between your and you’re, all because of autocorrect and my short attention span while sending a text. Again, it’s not a great impression to give someone you’re interested in.
  9. I break all the unspoken rules, like double texting. Unless there are rules to in-person communication that I’m not aware of, it confuses the life out of me why it is uncool to have more than one thought at a time in a texting conversation. I just don’t buy into that. It seems too calculated and fake to limit to one sentence or text until the other person finishes their response and sends it back. That’s not how communication works! If I have something more to say, I’m going to say it whether or not the guy I’m texting has responded.
  10. I try to focus on the people who are actually in front of me. I don’t want to live my life through a screen. I want to experience what’s happening around me and be present. Too many people in this era of technology get sucked into the cyber world and miss amazing moments that are happening in real time. Yes, it sounds cliche, but there’s no pause button on life. It’s happening right now. If experiencing these moments makes me a horrible texter, and therefore single, I think I can live with that until the right person walks up to me. Notice I said walks, not “slides into my DMs.”
Greta is a freelance writer who runs on coffee and cheap wine.