We have all had that one friend — the one who’s totally wasted by 8 p.m. but orders another round of shots anyway before trying to make out with every man in sight with strawberry daiquiri-scented vomit fresh on her breath. While this behavior shouldn’t be your problem, sometimes it does anyway because you want to make sure she’s OK. When your annoying drunk friend is hammered yet again, there are some things you can do to deal with her:
Let her deal with it herself.
She’s an adult and she should know her limits by now. If she chooses to surpass them anyway, she can deal with that on her own. She doesn’t need someone to hold her hair back and call her “sweetie” and tell her it’s going to be OK. She won’t learn anything that way. Her behavior is her own problem and she’s the only one that should have to deal with the aftermath of excessive drinking. If she wants to drink so much that she ends up on her knees in a filthy bar bathroom with her head 20,000 leagues under the pee, then let her.
Tell her the truth.
Her behavior is embarrassing and someone needs to tell her that eventually. Getting blackout drunk on cheap shots on a weeknight isn’t cool and it certainly doesn’t make her life interesting. She should know that everyone in a 10 mile radius can hear her liver screaming for mercy and it’s hurting your ears.
Stop inviting her out.
No one should have to “supervise” a grown woman while she’s drinking. When you invite her out, you’re sending her a message that you approve of her behavior. If she wants to be an annoying drunk idiot, she can do that at home where no one else has to tolerate her.
Take her home.
Call it a night on her behalf. She’s making a colossal ass out of herself and part of you probably wants to spare her from further embarrassment. Tell her to finish her tenth Long Island iced tea so you can get her home safely and let her deal with the hangover from hell on her own.
Put her to bed.
Her eyelids are droopy, you can’t understand a word she says and she appears to be seconds away from passing out for the next hundred years. Just put her to bed. Find a quiet place and leave her a trash can or something in case she has to blow chunks in the middle of the night. Make sure she’s on her side too, so she doesn’t choke on regurgitated ambrosia salad.
Call an ambulance.
If your friend’s condition gets to the point where she becomes unresponsive, call for help. Sitting around and going through all the “what if”s might be wasting valuable time that your friend desperately needs. You’ll never regret calling an ambulance, but you will regret not calling if something serious and permanent happens to your friend. Waking up in the hospital might just be the wake-up call she needs anyway.
Act like a helicopter parent.
It’s the same thing over and over again: she gets completely sloshed, acts like an imbecile and expects everyone to take care of her. Well, maybe you should take care of her. Take care of her like a nosy parent would. Express constant concern over her drinking habits, shake your head disapprovingly every time she takes a sip and address her as “young lady” while you tell her that she’s throwing her life away. If she’s going to be annoying, you can do it too.
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