If you were to trust the movies, you’d believe that sex is supposed to flow seamlessly, ecstatically, and most of all, wordlessly. Every sex scene I’ve witnessed has been an impossibly graceful act of sexual telepathy, negating the need for communication and automatically resulting in pure coital bliss. Well, in real life that’s not how it works, and you’re only cheating yourself out of potentially amazing sex if you try. Use your words, people.
We’re not mind-readers. This seems obvious but apparently, it’s not. How is either of you supposed to know what the other wants without asking? You may guilelessly stumble upon it by accident but, let’s face it, the odds are low on that one. We’re all different, so why not increase your odds and just find out the easy way? It invariably means more pleasure for both of you!
Enthusiastic consent is hot. Thankfully, the sex-positivity movement is creating more and more awareness around consent, but it’s still something that we all need a lot more practice at, culturally speaking. Verbal communication goes a long way in making sure that everyone involved really wants to be involved, and that can only be a good thing. Who wants to have sex with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with them anyway? Be sure and ask first.
No, it won’t “ruin the magic.” Sadly, I’ve had numerous male friends express hesitation at asking for consent because they imagine (or have actually had women tell them) that it “ruins the magic.” You know what ruins the magic for me? Crossing boundaries and poor communication skills. Come on people, we’re all adults here! When you own your communication, you exude confidence and care, and there’s nothing sexier than that.
Knowing what my partner wants helps me feel sexy. One of the hottest things to me is giving my partner pleasure. I love knowing that my partner is enjoying themselves because then I feel like a good lover. The fastest way to feel sexy is to ask my partner what they want and then give it to them, resting securely in the knowledge that they’re enjoying themselves and can tell me if they want something different. Everybody wins!
Feeling safe is the fastest way I know to sharing intimacy. The best lovers I’ve ever had were the ones who weren’t shy about asking about my desires and telling me about theirs. The safety and openness of this kind of communication creates allows me to let go and truly be intimate with my partner. This, in my opinion, is the defining factor of great sex.
It can be useful to keep checking in. Especially with new partners, I find checking in throughout sex to be really useful in maintaining ongoing consent, comfort, and safety. It can be easy to get caught up in something your partner is doing, without really wanting to do it yourself. When there’s an open and honest channel of communication, it becomes much easier to be sure everyone is on board with what’s happening.
Let go of goal-oriented sex. The almighty orgasm – it seems, for some, the only reason to have sex at all, so intent are they on reaching it. This seems almost a shame when you consider that everything leading up to an orgasm is actually the fun part. Staying in communication with your partner means that you’re more in touch with each other’s needs. Sometimes just having sex without the orgasm is much more satisfying. And if it just gets to a point where one, or both of you, don’t want to keep going, you can just say so!
Having sex is fun! Sometimes sex is just silly and that means it can be a ton of fun. When we’re concentrating on reading each other’s minds while stroking this spot with that amount of pressure at such-and-such a speed, we’re almost certain to be taking things way too seriously. Talking during sex can really loosen up the whole experience and create a much more playful, light-hearted atmosphere.
This can easily transition into dirty talk. Whether or not you’re necessarily into that sort of thing, expressing desires can be a huge turn-on in and of itself. Regardless of how ‘dirty’ your dirty talk is, it almost always involves some expression of fantasy, desire, and longing. Talking about your wants, needs, and preferences can be incredibly hot on its own or can act as a doorway into taking things up a notch.
Sex is not a performance. There’s no right or wrong way to have sex! Basically any sexually active human can tell you that sex in real life is not like sex in the movies. There’s no-one there to yell cut or to edit out the awkward bits, so why not embrace them instead? When you and your partners are at ease with that potential awkwardness, there’s not a whole lot that can go wrong. So why not just say what’s on your mind and see what happens? It could be the start of the best sex you’ve ever had.