Falling in love with a narcissist isn’t always obvious at first. In the beginning, they’re charming, attentive, and seem almost too good to be true—because, in many ways, they are. They reel you in with affection, grand gestures, and promises, making you feel like the most special person in the world. But as time passes, the cracks start to show. The warmth fades, the emotional games begin, and suddenly, you’re walking on eggshells, wondering how you became the villain in your own love story.
If you feel emotionally exhausted, constantly second-guessing yourself, and longing for the version of them you first fell for, you might be trapped in a relationship with a narcissist. Here are the tell-tale signs and what you need to do to reclaim yourself.
1. You’re Chasing After The Version Of Who They Used To Be
At the start, they were everything you ever wanted—attentive, affectionate, and seemingly perfect. They made you feel seen, adored, and deeply valued. But that version of them slowly faded, replaced by someone colder, distant, or even cruel. The problem is, you’ve already fallen for their potential, so you keep hoping that person will return. Psychology Today reports that “narcissists often engage in a pattern of idealization followed by devaluation, leaving their partners longing for the initial honeymoon phase.”
Narcissists are masters of love-bombing, only to withdraw once they know you’re invested. The person they were in the beginning wasn’t real—it was a carefully crafted persona designed to hook you. If you find yourself longing for “how things used to be,” recognize that the real version of them is the one who treats you inconsistently, not the one who swept you off your feet.
2. You Feel A Deep Sense Of Relief When They’re In A Good Mood
When they’re happy, it feels like you can finally breathe. The tension lifts, and for a brief moment, everything feels normal again. You find yourself hyper-aware of their mood, hoping that today is one of the “good” days where they’re affectionate and kind instead of dismissive and cold. As noted by Verywell Mind, “feeling relief when a partner is in a good mood can be a sign of walking on eggshells, a common experience in relationships with narcissists.”
This emotional rollercoaster isn’t love—it’s conditioning. Narcissists create an environment where you’re so accustomed to their mood swings that even small acts of basic decency feel like a gift. If their happiness determines your emotional well-being, it’s time to ask yourself: is this a relationship or survival mode?
3. You Overanalyze Their Texts, Their Tone, And Their Facial Expressions
Every conversation feels like a test. Did that message sound cold? Were they being sarcastic? Are they mad at you, or are you just imagining it? You find yourself scanning their words, tone, and even the way they breathe, trying to predict whether you’re about to get affection or attitude. The National Domestic Violence Hotline states that “constantly analyzing a partner’s behavior for signs of approval or disapproval is a common experience for those in relationships with narcissists.”
Being in a relationship shouldn’t feel like a never-ending puzzle where one wrong move leads to punishment. If you’re constantly analyzing their every reaction, it’s because you’ve learned that their love is conditional. The right person won’t make you feel like you need to decode their emotions just to avoid upsetting them.
4. You’re Either Being Put On A Pedestal Or Completely Ignored
One day, you’re their everything. They shower you with praise, tell you how lucky they are to have you, and act like you’re the most incredible person they’ve ever met. The next, they’re cold, distant, and uninterested, leaving you wondering what you did wrong. Research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology suggests that “narcissists often engage in a cycle of idealization and devaluation, alternating between putting their partners on a pedestal and ignoring them.”
This hot-and-cold behavior isn’t an accident—it’s control. Narcissists thrive on keeping you uncertain. The constant emotional whiplash keeps you hooked, always chasing the high of their approval. The truth is, love isn’t supposed to feel like a game where your worth fluctuates based on their mood.
5. You Instinctively Tell White Lies To Avoid Unnecessary Drama
You start tweaking your words, hiding small details, or downplaying things just to avoid setting them off. It’s not even about lying—it’s about survival. You know from experience that even the smallest comment can be twisted into a reason for them to lash out, so you adjust your truth accordingly.
If you feel the need to filter everything you say to keep the peace, you’re not in a safe relationship. Healthy love doesn’t require constant self-censorship. If being honest feels like a risk, that’s a red flag you can’t ignore.
6. You Feel Like Your Personality Has Changed
When you look back at who you were before this relationship, you realize you’ve become someone else entirely. Maybe you used to be confident, outspoken, or full of energy. Now, you second-guess yourself, stay quiet to avoid conflict, or feel like a shadow of the person you once were.
Narcissists have a way of stripping people down piece by piece. They make you question yourself so often that eventually, you stop trusting your own instincts. If you feel like you’ve lost yourself, it’s not because you changed—it’s because they slowly made you feel like you weren’t enough.
7. You Crave The Rare Moments When They’re Sweet To You
The rare moments when they’re kind, affectionate, or apologetic feel like pure relief. You soak them up, thinking, *Maybe things are finally getting better.* But those moments never last, and before you know it, you’re back to walking on eggshells.
This cycle of highs and lows is exactly how they keep you hooked. If someone truly loves you, their kindness won’t be a rare occurrence—it will be a standard. Love shouldn’t feel like waiting for scraps of affection between emotional beatdowns.
8. Your Own Emotions Have Become Unpredictable
One moment, you’re calm and collected. The next, you’re anxious, defensive, or in tears, and you don’t even know how you got there. Their unpredictable behavior has started to reflect in you, making your emotions feel just as unstable as theirs.
Constant emotional turmoil is not love. If a relationship has you feeling like you’re on a psychological seesaw, it’s because you’re constantly being pulled between their approval and their rejection. Your peace shouldn’t be dependent on someone else’s chaos.
9. You Mentally Brace Yourself Before Bringing Up Issues
Asking for something simple—like a little more effort, kindness, or respect—feels like a huge risk. You know they’ll either shut you down, twist it into an attack on you, or somehow make you feel guilty for even bringing it up.
If you’re afraid of your partner’s reaction to basic conversations, that’s not normal. A healthy relationship allows both people to express their needs without fear of retaliation. If you’re constantly bracing yourself for an argument, you’re not in a relationship—you’re in a battle.
10. You Feel Guilty For Wanting Kindness, Effort, And Respect
You start questioning whether you’re asking for too much. You just want them to be kind, to put in effort, to treat you with basic respect—but every time you bring it up, they make you feel like you’re the unreasonable one. They tell you you’re too sensitive, too needy, or too difficult, and over time, you start to believe them.
In a healthy relationship, kindness and respect aren’t luxuries—they’re the foundation. If you feel guilty for wanting things that should be non-negotiable, it’s because they’ve conditioned you to lower your standards. The right person will never make you feel bad for expecting to be treated well.
11. You Have A Gut Feeling Something Is Seriously Off
Even if you can’t put your finger on it, deep down, you feel it—something isn’t right. Maybe everything looks fine on the surface, but there’s an unshakable feeling that something about this relationship is *wrong*. The way they treat you, the way you react, the way you feel—it doesn’t add up.
Your gut is smarter than you think. If you constantly feel uneasy, it’s not paranoia—it’s your intuition trying to warn you. Narcissists thrive on keeping you confused, but real love doesn’t feel like uncertainty. Trust yourself. If something feels off, there’s a reason.
12. You Apologize For Things You Didn’t Even Do
Somehow, you always end up saying sorry—even when they’re the one who hurt you. They have a way of twisting situations so that you end up feeling like the bad guy. Maybe they ignored you for days, snapped at you, or dismissed your feelings, yet you’re the one apologizing just to smooth things over.
This isn’t love—it’s manipulation. A healthy relationship involves accountability on both sides, not one person constantly taking the blame. If you find yourself apologizing just to keep the peace, it’s time to step back and ask yourself why you’re the only one trying to fix things.
13. You’ve Accepted They Can Do Things You’d Never Get Away With
If they cancel plans last minute, ignore your texts, or say something hurtful, it’s no big deal. But if you did the same? They’d make sure you knew just how *selfish*, *inconsiderate*, or *wrong* you were. The double standards are glaring, but you’ve learned to stop fighting them.
When someone truly loves and respects you, the rules apply to both of you. If you feel like they get unlimited passes for bad behavior while you’re constantly held to an impossible standard, that’s not equality—that’s control. You deserve a relationship where both people are held accountable, not one where you’re always the one making up for their shortcomings.
14. You Spend Your Life Trying To Explain Basic Empathy To A Grown Adult
Somewhere along the way, you realized you’re constantly trying to teach them things they should already know—how to be kind, how to respect boundaries, how to care about someone else’s feelings. You’re exhausted from trying to explain why their actions hurt you, only to be met with indifference or mockery.
A healthy relationship doesn’t require constant lessons in human decency. If you have to repeatedly explain why their behavior is harmful, they don’t lack understanding—they lack the willingness to care. You shouldn’t have to beg someone to be empathetic. If they don’t have the capacity for basic compassion, you’ll never change them.
15. You’ve Convinced Yourself Their Behavior Isn’t That Bad
Some days, you convince yourself it’s not that serious. They’re not *that* bad. Maybe you’re overreacting. Maybe all relationships have ups and downs. You keep justifying their behavior, finding ways to excuse the hurt, because facing the truth—that this relationship is toxic—is terrifying.
If you keep having to ask yourself whether it’s really *that* bad, it probably is. Love isn’t supposed to make you feel small, anxious, or constantly on edge. The moment you start minimizing your pain just to stay in the relationship is the moment you know it’s time to leave.
