Let’s be honest: Guys are hardly a complicated lot. When they say they’re fine, they mean they’re actually fine. When they say they’re not mad, they’re really truly not mad. And when they say they’re hungry, they’re hungry and will probably eat whatever you put in front of them. They’re pretty much like caveman, but just a wee bit more evolved – and that’s being generous.
With texting, we get to see just how simple men really are – and how their lives really are all about sex and food, and saying so in the fewest words possibly. While women can go on and on via text, men just hand out one word answers or sexual innuendos, and that’s it. What this does to us, as women, is forces us to take apart these one or two-word answers and try to figure out what he really means. And we’ll try to figure it out for HOURS, the whole time not taking into consideration that he means exactly what he says: “Fine. Hungry.”
Want to finally be like a guy on the other end of a text, with all those one-word responses and a “Frankly, I DGAF” type of attitude? Oh, I think you do. Here’s how to text like a guy:
1. Situation: You went on a date with a guy and you thought it went awesome, but you don’t hear from him. It’s not until a week later that he texts you, “Hey, what’s up?” You text: “Not much.” And leave it at that.
2. Situation: A guy who consistently ignores your texts about hanging out, texts you at 2am on a Saturday. His text: “u up?” You text: “Yes. You?” When he texts back, “Wanna hang?” You text: Nothing.
3. Situation: You dated a guy for a few months, then he decided to pull some ghosting BS on you. You text: “I just watched this dumb movie and I thought of you.” He texts: “Hey.” You text: Nothing.
4. Situation: You had an amazing one-night stand with a guy you assumed you’d see again soon, because the sex was THAT good. A few weeks go by when you get a text that says, “It’s me.” You text: “Have new phone and lost all contacts. Who?”
5. Situation: It’s Friday and you’re trying to make plans with the guy you’re seeing. Not only is he being unresponsive, but he eventually texts, “I already have plans.” A couple hours later, he texts to see if you want to meet up – aka. got to his place to have sex. You text: “Busy.”
6. Situation: You run into a guy you used to date and he tells you that you look great and you should get together soon. Later that night he texts you to say, “Tonight too soon?” You text: “Yeah.”
7. Situation: A guy you’re casually dating bows out of your birthday party. Three days later he texts: “happy bday.” You text: “Thx.” When he asks about the party he skipped, you text: “Good.” Then let it go.
8. Situation: Your ex, whom you know is newly single, texts despite it being almost two years since you last talked. His text: “I’m single again.” You text: “OK.”
9. Situation: The coworker you sometimes sleep with but who ignores you at the office texts you across the bar one night during the office happy hour. His text: “Where you goin after this?” You text: “Home.”
10. Situation: The guy you’re dating totally stands you up without a single text as to why. Two hours after the date should have started, he texts, “Sorry. Work stuff.” You text: Nothing. And go back to your Law & Order marathon.
