The 9 Stages Of The Adult Hangover

Being an adult with a hangover is the absolute worst. In your early twenties, you could drink until the cows came home and feel virtually no remorse or painful body malfunctions the following day. You could stuff your face with greasy pizza and shake the whole night off pretty easily. Then you get older and your body reminds you that you’re not as young as you used to be. These are the all too real stages of the adult hangover:

  1. Immediate regret. This begins the moment you open your eyes. Your head is pounding, and you realize that your entire body feels like it’s done several rounds with Mike Tyson and is now being weighed down by a bag of bricks. Charming.
  2. Extreme remorse. You try to replay the beverage itinerary from the night before, only to realize you got skunk ass drunk off, like, two glasses of wine and one shot, and you wonder when you stopped being able to throw back highballs and tequila, wash it all down with a Big Mac, and rise the next day feeling nothing short of amazing.
  3. Survival mode. You have a hangover survival method: water, Gatorade, Advil, antacids, Pedialyte and anything and everything you need to erase the awful sensation that’s overtaken your entire body. This is a pretty precise and hurried process. You basically wake up, hate yourself, and run to the kitchen to construct your adult first aid kit. Then you move to the couch for the next phase of processing.
  4. Self-loathing. After you get over the fact that you’re not actually dead and you’ll pull through this, you can’t help but feel so sorry for yourself. When did you get so old? How did this become so hard? Basically the only real cure for a hangover is to be under the age of 25.
  5. The awful realization that you still have to be an adult. Eventually your brain finally catches up to reality, and it’s probably the worst moment of the day because you realize you still have to do responsible adult stuff. Most of the time you say screw it and cancel all your plans, because being an actual grown up while hungover is way too hard.
  6. Shame and misery. Seriously, why won’t this headache just go away already? And when did you get acid re-flux? Getting older and realizing you can’t do all the fun and crazy things you used to do sucks. Did I mention the effects of your hangover also last two or three days now? Thank you, adult body. You douchebag.
  7. Making vows you’ll never keep. “I swear I’m never drinking again!” Every. Damn. Time. Until next weekend…
  8. Navel gazing. You entertain the idea of sober living and being that girl who drinks sparkling waters while all your friends sip on their cocktails. But then you remember wine, and you realize you can’t tolerate being an adult without it. It’s a vicious cycle.
  9. Acceptance. Finally you realize you’re old as hell now and this is just the way life goes. You’re going to continue to have drinks with your friends, and even though you know you’ll feel like something that crawled out of a drain the next morning, you’ll do it all over again because as much as it pains you, there’s nothing more satisfying than being an adult and having a few cocktails now and again to break away from reality.