Drunk sex may not be the best, but it happens sometimes, and it can be enjoyable enough in its own way. While it may seem sloppy and completely unplanned, there are some things you can do to ensure that things go as smoothly as possible.
- DO get drunk; DON’T get ridiculously wasted. Find your “happy place” on the spectrum of drunkenness. You want that tingly, giggly feeling that happens after the perfect amount of booze, not to be so hammered that the room is spinning and you feel like you’re going to projectile vomit at any second.
- DO bang someone you’re familiar with; DON’T have sex with a complete stranger. Being with someone you actually know is going to be far more comfortable than drunken sex with a random guy you know nothing about. You can trust your boyfriend not to steal your cat or eat your plants while you’re blissfully passed out in bed, right?
- DO have a solid birth control plan; DON’T blow it off and deal with it tomorrow. This is your body and there are no do-overs if you screw up. One drunken mistake has the potential to affect you and your health for the rest of your life. Ten minutes of pleasure will never be worth a lifetime of complications. Have a plan and stick to it, no matter what.
- DO take a few minutes to freshen up beforehand; DON’T get down while dirty. You don’t need a full-blown deep clean, but taking a minute to pop a breath mint or reapply some deodorant just might make a huge difference in the enjoyability of your experience. If the two of you have been out drinking all night, moving around a lot and eating some of the pungent foods that typically go with beer, you’ll probably smell like a dumpster. Just because you’re doing the nasty doesn’t mean you actually have to be nasty.
- DO make some noise; DON’T scream like a banshee. Monitoring your noise level is crucial. Make too little noise and your partner might think you’re either not into it or you’re on the verge of passing out. Too much noise is a nightmarish, cringeworthy distraction. Your neighbors or roommates should not be able to hear you and create a perfect mental image of the disturbing things that are happening in your bedroom.
- DO take a pee break before you do the deed; DON’T wait until you’re ready to burst. The urge to pee can sneak up on you when you’ve been drinking. Take a few minutes to run to the bathroom beforehand, even if you feel like you don’t have to go. The sheets on your bed and your mattress will thank you. Your partner might thank you, as well, unless he’s into that sort of thing. It’s best to check first.
- DO have drunk sex at your place or his; DON’T get down at a motel. Stumbling into a motel at two in the morning sounds fun in theory, but there are things you probably aren’t considering. On top of finding a place, taking a taxi there, drunkenly checking in and then shamefully checking out with a hangover the next day, you’re going to be dropping money that isn’t worth spending. Motels don’t exactly have the best reputation for cleanliness and nice experiences. Why do the deed at a place like that when there’s a nice apartment you can go back to?