Confidence isn’t something you’re simply born with—it’s shaped by your experiences, the people around you, and the way you were treated growing up. If you’ve always struggled with self-assurance, there’s a good chance it didn’t just come out of nowhere. The way you were raised, the environment you were in, and the messages you absorbed over time all played a role in shaping how you see yourself. Here are some of the sad but very real reasons you might lack confidence—and what you can do about it.
1. Your Parents Belittled You As A Child
If your parents constantly criticized you, pointed out your flaws, or made you feel like you were never quite good enough, it’s no surprise that confidence has been a lifelong struggle. When the people who are supposed to uplift and encourage you instead make you feel small, it creates a deep-seated belief that you’re not worthy of praise or success. Their words, even if they claimed they were “just being honest,” shaped the way you see yourself.
Undoing this damage starts with recognizing that their opinions were never a true reflection of your worth. Your value isn’t determined by their harsh words or unrealistic expectations. Surrounding yourself with people who genuinely appreciate and uplift you can help rewrite that internal dialogue. Self-compassion is key—remind yourself that you deserved kindness back then, and you certainly deserve it now.
2. You Were Constantly Told “Stop Showing Off”
As a child, you may have felt excited to share your achievements, ideas, or talents, only to be met with disapproval. If you were frequently told to “stop showing off,” you likely learned to shrink yourself to avoid criticism. Over time, this conditioned you to believe that confidence was arrogance and that taking pride in yourself would make people dislike you. Research from Wilson Counseling suggests that children raised by highly critical parents often struggle with perfectionism and fear of failure.
To rebuild that confidence, you need to unlearn the idea that it’s wrong to take up space. There is nothing shameful about being proud of yourself or wanting to be acknowledged. Start celebrating your wins—big or small—without guilt. The people who truly care about you will never make you feel bad for embracing your strengths.
3. You Were Teased At School
Childhood teasing can leave scars that last well into adulthood. Whether it was about your appearance, personality, or something else entirely, constantly being mocked can make you feel like you’ll always be the “awkward” or “weird” one. Even if it was meant as “harmless fun,” it likely chipped away at your self-esteem, making you second-guess yourself in social situations. A study published in The Conversation indicates that childhood bullying can cause lifelong psychological damage, with approximately 20% of bullied kids experiencing mental health problems later in life.
The truth is, kids target what makes someone stand out, and more often than not, those very things end up being strengths later in life. Reframing those experiences and recognizing that your uniqueness is what sets you apart in the best way can help you reclaim your confidence. You don’t need approval from the people who failed to see your worth back then.
4. You Were Punished For Questioning Authority
Some people grow up in households or schools where questioning authority is seen as disrespectful. If you were constantly told to “just do as you’re told” and punished for thinking critically, you may have internalized the idea that your voice doesn’t matter. Over time, this leads to a fear of speaking up, advocating for yourself, or challenging unfair situations. According to Alfie Kohn, punishing children for questioning authority can have significant negative effects.
Confidence grows when you trust your own judgment and believe that your thoughts and opinions are valid. Start by allowing yourself to express your views, even in small ways. Whether it’s offering an opinion in a conversation or standing firm on a decision, learning to trust yourself is the first step in rebuilding the confidence that was stifled in your early years.
5. You Were Compared To The “Golden Child” Sibling
Growing up in the shadow of a sibling who could do no wrong can leave lasting damage. If you were constantly compared to a brother or sister who seemed to be the favorite—whether they were smarter, more talented, or just better at fitting the mold—it likely made you feel like you were never quite enough. No matter what you did, it was never acknowledged the same way. Empowered Conversations highlights the benefits of questioning authority, including increased courage, less blind acceptance, and asking more questions rather than simply trusting.
The key to overcoming this is recognizing that your worth was never meant to be measured against someone else’s. You are not “less than” because someone else was praised more. Shifting your focus toward your own strengths and achievements—rather than viewing yourself through the lens of past comparisons—can help you regain confidence in who you are.
6. Your Siblings Picked Out Your Flaws Early On
Sibling dynamics can be complicated, and for many people, the teasing and criticism they endured from brothers and sisters stuck with them far longer than it should have. If your siblings made fun of your appearance, quirks, or personality growing up, you may have internalized those comments as truth rather than just childhood teasing.
While it’s easy to let those old insults linger in your mind, it’s important to separate who you are now from who you were then. You’re not that self-conscious kid anymore, and their opinions never actually defined you. Taking control of your own narrative and replacing those old beliefs with self-affirming ones is crucial to building the confidence you were denied.
7. You’ve Been In Relationships That Destroyed Your Self-Worth
Romantic relationships should make you feel loved and appreciated, but not everyone is lucky enough to experience that. If you’ve been in relationships where you were constantly criticized, belittled, or made to feel unworthy, those experiences can leave deep emotional scars. Even after the relationship ends, the words and treatment linger, making it hard to see yourself in a positive light.
Rebuilding confidence after emotional damage takes time, but it starts with recognizing that their treatment of you wasn’t a reflection of your worth. The right people won’t make you feel small or unimportant—they’ll uplift you. Surrounding yourself with those who genuinely value you can help undo the damage left by people who never deserved you in the first place.
8. Your Parents Made You Hyper-Aware Of Your Weight
If your parents made comments about your body, put you on diets, or made you feel like your worth was tied to your size, it’s no surprise that confidence has been a struggle. Growing up in an environment where you were constantly judged for your appearance can make it hard to feel secure in yourself as an adult.
Breaking free from that mindset means shifting your focus from how you look to how you feel. Your body isn’t something that needs to be “fixed.” It carries you through life, and it deserves kindness. Learning to appreciate it for what it does rather than how it looks is a huge step toward reclaiming the confidence that was taken from you.
9. Your Ideas Were Downplayed
If you grew up in an environment where your ideas were brushed aside, laughed at, or ignored, it’s no wonder you struggle with confidence. Whether it was at home, in school, or later in life, constantly being told that your thoughts weren’t important can make you hesitate to speak up. Over time, this leads to second-guessing yourself, assuming your input doesn’t matter, and staying quiet even when you have something valuable to say.
Rebuilding confidence starts with recognizing that just because your ideas weren’t valued in the past doesn’t mean they aren’t valuable now. Start by voicing your opinions, even in small ways, and reminding yourself that your perspective is just as valid as anyone else’s. Surround yourself with people who respect what you have to say, and slowly but surely, you’ll start believing in your own voice again.
10. You’ve Spent Years Around People Who Make Self-Deprecation A Personality
Self-deprecating humor can be funny in small doses, but when you’re constantly surrounded by people who tear themselves down, it starts to feel normal. If your social circles have always been full of people who make a habit of belittling themselves, you may have unknowingly adopted that mindset. Over time, it becomes second nature to downplay your achievements, make jokes at your own expense, and assume that confidence is something to be embarrassed about.
Breaking free from this cycle means changing the way you talk about yourself—both out loud and in your own head. Instead of instinctively minimizing your strengths, practice acknowledging them without hesitation. Confidence isn’t arrogance; it’s self-respect. And if the people around you can’t handle that, it might be time to find a different crowd.
11. You Never Saw Someone Like You Succeed
Representation matters more than people realize. If you grew up never seeing someone who looked like you, came from your background, or shared your struggles succeed, it can create an unconscious belief that success isn’t meant for you. When all the role models you were exposed to had different circumstances, it’s easy to feel like the odds are stacked against you.
One of the most powerful ways to rebuild confidence is to seek out stories of people who defied the odds—people who came from similar circumstances and still made it. Surrounding yourself with examples of success that feel relatable can help break the mental barrier that tells you certain achievements are out of reach. The path may not be obvious, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible.
12. You’ve Been The “Punchline” Friend In A Group
Every friend group has dynamics, but if yours has always placed you in the role of the “punchline,” it can take a serious toll on your confidence. If your friends constantly tease you, make jokes at your expense, or treat you as the one who’s always just there for comedic relief, it can make you feel like you’re not taken seriously. Even if they claim it’s all in good fun, constantly being the target of jokes can wear you down.
Confidence grows in environments where you feel respected. If you’re always the one getting laughed at instead of with, it’s worth asking yourself whether these friendships are actually healthy. Surrounding yourself with people who uplift you rather than diminish you can make a world of difference in how you see yourself.
13. You Were Always Expected To Be The “Quiet, Easygoing” One
If you were labeled as the quiet, easygoing one growing up, you might have learned to suppress your true thoughts and feelings to maintain that image. Being the “low-maintenance” friend or family member often means being expected to go along with everything, avoid making waves, and never express frustration or disagreement. While this might keep the peace, it also teaches you that your voice doesn’t matter as much as keeping others comfortable.
Confidence means allowing yourself to take up space, even if it disrupts the status quo. If you’ve spent years playing the role of the agreeable one, start challenging that narrative by asserting yourself more often. It doesn’t have to be dramatic—even small steps like voicing your preferences or saying no when you need to can help you reclaim your sense of self.
14. You Were Never Taught How To Handle Criticism
Criticism is a part of life, but if no one ever taught you how to handle it in a constructive way, it’s easy to let it shatter your confidence. If you were raised in an environment where criticism was harsh, personal, or meant to tear you down rather than build you up, you may have developed a fear of making mistakes. Instead of seeing feedback as an opportunity to grow, you might take it as confirmation that you’re not good enough.
Learning to separate constructive criticism from personal attacks is key to rebuilding confidence. Not all feedback is meant to hurt you—sometimes, it’s a tool for improvement. Surrounding yourself with people who offer guidance rather than just criticism can help you develop a healthier relationship with feedback and stop seeing it as a reflection of your worth.
15. Your Family Stifled Any Confidence You Had
Some families struggle with the idea of confidence. Maybe they saw it as arrogance, maybe they projected their own insecurities onto you, or maybe they simply didn’t know how to nurture self-assurance. If your family dismissed your achievements, downplayed your talents, or made you feel like confidence was something to be ashamed of, it’s no wonder you find it hard to believe in yourself now.
But confidence isn’t something that can only come from external validation—it’s something you can build for yourself. The first step is recognizing that their perception of you wasn’t the truth. You are capable, talented, and worthy of self-belief. Surrounding yourself with people who celebrate your strengths, setting personal goals, and stepping outside of your comfort zone can help you cultivate the confidence that was taken from you.
