You might think it’s easy to spot when someone’s a narcissist, like if they walk around with an inflated sense of self or they’re highly critical of you. But covert narcissists are usually more subtle in their behaviors, so you might not even realize that they’re manipulative. If the person in your life is annoying you with these 15 traits, they’re actually a narcissist.
1. They always talk about themselves.
Since narcissists are self-centered, they’re going to show you that they value themselves more than you by interrupting and trying to steer topics onto themselves. For example, if you talk about your recent breakup, they’ll talk about their worst breakups. While you might think they’re trying to help you by empathizing with your pain, they’re just interested in talking about themselves because they want validation for their experiences.
2. They put themselves down to get compliments.
Some narcissists won’t make it obvious that they’re fishing for praise. Instead, they’ll resort to getting your validation in indirect ways, like using self-deprecating comments. So, they might say, “I shouldn’t wear pink, it washes me out” when they’re wearing a pink dress or t-shirt in the hope that you’ll correct them and give them a compliment. They might seem insecure, but they’re just trying to get your approval.
3. They zone out when you talk about your problems.
When you try to open up to your narcissist friend or partner in the hope of receiving emotional support, they might look bored or check their phone. Although you might assume they’ve got other stuff on their mind, the truth is that they can’t handle the topic being about you instead of them. They also don’t have empathy, so they’ll dismiss your feelings instead of giving you the validation you need.
4. They always have a reason to blame others.
Someone narcissistic will struggle to take responsibility for their mistakes and failures. They always seem to have someone or something else to blame. For example, if they get to work late, they’ll blame their partner for not waking them up earlier when they could’ve set an alarm themselves. Or, if they fail an exam, they might blame not having had enough time, instead of how they didn’t make enough time. No matter what happens to them, they’re always the victim.
5. They don’t say sorry.
If a narcissist does something to hurt or offend you, they won’t apologize. The reason? They never think that they’ve done anything wrong, so they’ll wait around for you to apologize first. If you confront them for not reaching out and making amends, they might try to gaslight you, and make you doubt what happened or try to blame you for the situation.
6. They don’t have friends.
If you’ve met someone and they don’t have any friends who’ve stuck around with them for years, it’s a red flag. It’s difficult for narcissists to maintain long-term friendships because they’re so draining and selfish to deal with. Even though they might come across as friendly and popular, their interactions are superficial.
7. They expect special treatment.
A narcissist will always walk around as though they should be treated like a celebrity. For example, if they have to wait for a table at a busy restaurant, they’ll vent about how they deserve better. Or, they might express disappointment if they don’t get the most expensive gift on their birthday. They have high standards they believe others need to work hard to meet.
8. They’re highly sensitive to feedback.
Narcissists will always try to seem perfect because they’re concerned with their image. They want others to view them in a positive way, which is why they’ll become defensive when you give them feedback, even if it’s constructive. Instead of being open to learning and improving, they’ll try to shut it down. Constructive feedback forces narcissists to confront their vulnerabilities and flaws, which they’re unwilling to do.
9. They violate your boundaries in small ways.
Narcissists are selfish and they want you to prioritize their needs over yours. This is why they’ll violate your boundaries. Early on in the relationship, they’ll do this in subtle ways to test your loyalty and see how much they can manipulate you. For example, you might ask them not to call you during work hours, but they’ll do it anyway. Or, they might borrow small items from your home without asking and then move up to larger items, assuming you won’t object.
10. They make passive-aggressive comments.
Some narcissists will make passive-aggressive comments to try to regain power during interactions. Instead of being honest and transparent about their feelings, they’ll come across as apathetic. They might say things like, “Fine” or “Whatever” even though you can see they’re upset. They harbor resentment without expressing it because they fear confrontation or they don’t want to damage their facade of superiority.
11. They seem super charming.
It’s common for narcissists to come across as charming when you first meet them. But, it’s usually a cover for manipulative behavior. Narcissists know when to be charming to impress others or make others like them. This is why they love-bomb you early on in the relationship. Once they feel they’ve gained your loyalty, they’ll turn off their charm.
12. They never post unflattering picture of themselves.
You might notice that the narcissist never has a bad photo of themselves on social media. This is done on purpose because they want to look flawless to others, as they place a lot of importance on their self-image. If they get tagged in a photo they don’t like, they’ll go the extra mile to have it taken down by the owner so there’s nothing about them online that displays them negatively.
13. They tell you what to do.
Narcissists always act as if they know more than everyone else in the room, which is why they’ll often give you unsolicited advice. If you confide in them about your problems, they’ll blindly tell you how to deal with them without adequately assessing the situation and your feelings. They do this because it makes them feel like they’re important and more knowledgeable than you. Narcissists are always trying to one-up you.
14. They change your plans at the last minute.
When you set plans with the narcissist in your life, you might find that they usually change or cancel them at the last minute. This isn’t a coincidence. Narcissists love finding ways to control you, such as by messing with your schedule, so that they can exert their dominance. It’s also common for them to run late to meetings or dates because they don’t have respect for other people’s time.
15. They get stressed about small things.
Someone with subtle narcissistic traits might show signs of frustration, even over small inconveniences. This is because they tend to have perfectionist tendencies, expecting everything to go exactly as they envision. When things don’t go according to plan, they become frustrated and blow up emotionally. This is a display of how they’re self-absorbed and entitled.
