The Ultimate Sexting Guide: What You Need To Know About How & When To Do It

Sexting is for everyone: casual daters, one-night stands, long-term relationships, married couples, and anyone else looking to up their game. A recent study from the University of Vienna even found that during the worldwide shutdown, more people were willing to engage in sexting. If you’re one of them, welcome to the club! But there’s an art to sexting at the right time, place, and circumstance. Check out some advice from experts to get started ASAP.

Why use sexting?

Simple: sexting gives you more power and say. For young women ages 18 to 25 especially, the University of Guelph and Dr. Erin Watson found that sexting can boost your confidence while creating a web of safety. Think about it: you’re not in a strange place with a stranger. You’re not risking potential STDs. You can be more assertive. Plus, you have time to think about what to say.

How to make the most of sexting

1. Plan sexy talk time. Like planned sex, many people think of it negatively when they should think of it as something to look forward to and can improve your relationship. This also prevents you from sending your boob pics to your beau while next to their coworker or worse…their boss. Come up with a codeword to ask if things are safe or wait until you know for certain they are off the clock or away from anyone who would be scarred by seeing your texts. A simple, “Are you alone right now?” can do wonders.
2. Foreplay still applies. Sure, sexting can be considered as foreplay, but sexting itself should include its own foreplay. Mention what kind of lingerie you have on or ask what your partner is wearing for starters. Describe how you’re laying out on the bed, couch, or other setting. Tell them to imagine you both in a room together. What would you both do next? Start off slow and go from there. If you’ve had sexy IRL already, remind them of your last session and what you loved about it…and what you want to add this time.
3. Tease them. You’ve gotten this far, but the more sexual tension that builds, the better. Show them an up-close picture of your panties. Ask them what they would do if there were a pair of handcuffs around. If you’re sexting with an established partner, tell them that you can’t wait until they get home or suggest you try something new with them later. Thinking of trying out some roleplay? Why not tell them?
4. Let them know you’re using toys or other means of stimulation. Whether you send visual evidence or love strictly using your words, let your sexting partner know what’s happening. Be intentional with your words and phrases. Mention where you’re placing your hands or toys on your body, how soft, how hard, etc. Maybe even send a picture of the toy on the bed, asking what you should do with it. Tell them that if they’re good, you’ll show them the next time you’re both IRL.
5. Get to the point. Whether you’re telling your partner what to do or vice versa, tell them exactly what you want and how you want it. No messing around with your words…just your bodies.

A few things to keep in mind

1. You need to practice. All things related to sex take practice, even sexting. Unless you’re a sexual poet, you may fumble with your words the first few times. Ask for feedback from your partner about what is working and what isn’t. Don’t get offended if your “go-to” during sexting doesn’t work for your current partner. Unlike practicing for a big presentation at work, you’ll have lots of fun practicing sexting. Ultimately, be yourself. Unless you’re doing some sort of roleplay where you are supposed to be someone else, people can tell when you’re trying to be someone you’re not, including over text.
2. If the recipient is uncomfortable, stop. Consent isn’t just for physical touch. “You cannot rely on body language, so you have to ask first,” says Dr. Jessica O’Reilly of the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast. If you try to send something a little spicy and they don’t seem receptive to it (or blatantly say they’re not into it), cool it down. To avoid any awkward moments, ask them if they are up for some NSFW talk. If they say no, you can always ask if it is something they would like to explore further. Again, if they still say no, respect their choice. If sexting is a must-have in your relationship, find a more compatible partner as opposed to forcing someone to participate. Don’t be a creep.
3. Respect their privacy. Just because you find the photo or video they sent sexy doesn’t mean that sharing is caring. It’s extremely violating to have your private photos shared, so don’t do it. Especially on the internet. That’s a major d*ck move and could get you in legal trouble with revenge porn laws. Again, don’t be a creep.