Women who identify as “childfree” do not want kids. Not now, not ever. Childfree women view having children as a choice, not an inevitability. Unfortunately, a lot of people view that perspective as something to be picked apart and judged because, you know, what a person does with their reproductive organs is totally open for public debate. When a woman says she doesn’t want kids, despite the reasons she gives for making that choice, she often hears a lot of intrusive, presumptuous, vexatious blather.
- “You’ll change your mind.” want kids? Oh,you’ll change your mind. I’m being rude, you say? Imagine that.
- “You’re selfish.” And you’re a nosy a-hole with the IQ of stale cheese. I’d love to stay and debate my personal qualities with you but I have to get back to my awesome, quiet, sticky-fingerprint-free life. You have poop on your face, by the way. And it appears that one of your “happy accidents” is running around biting people and shrieking like a banshee. Maybe if you actually paid attention to him instead of burying your face in your phone like the selfless parent that you are, he wouldn’t behave like a psychopathic chimpanzee in public.
- “You must hate kids.” Not necessarily. Some childfree people enjoy spending time with kids, but they also enjoy being able to give them back to their parents at the end of the day. Other childfree people would peel their own faces off before going anywhere near a kid. A lot of the time, kids aren’t even the problem: it’s the uptight, judgmental, insane, entitled, over-caffeinated parents that aren’t far behind. Those people will take every opportunity to whine about their kids and then judge you for not wanting any. That kind of family dynamic is something the childfree like to avoid at all costs.
- “You were a kid once.” I recall this vividly. I shat my pants on a regular basis, broke expensive things, had screaming mental breakdowns if I missed Barney and I cost my parents tens of thousands of dollars in child-related expenses. What’s your point?
- “It’s different when they’re your own.” So, by that logic, I should order a salad the next time I’m at a restaurant, even though I hate salad. But, when the waiter brings out my order, I’ll suddenly like salad because that particular one is mine? No. It’s still a freaking salad. On another note, if “it’s different when they’re yours” was true, there would be no such thing as parents abusing their own kids.
- “But you’d be such a great mom!” I’d be a great human cannonball too, but I don’t feel the need to do that either. May I ask why you’re so interested in my genitals? Pervert.
- “What does your boyfriend/husband think about this?” He is childfree as well. If he wanted kids, we wouldn’t be together. Simple as that. Disagreeing on kids is a profound incompatibility that cannot be compromised on. Besides, no one but me has the final say in any uterine activity. Keep your slobber-covered opinions out of there.
- “You just haven’t met the right guy yet.” The right guy doesn’t want kids either. In fact, he shoots blanks, if you know what I mean.
- “Good thing your parents didn’t think that way.” Do you even know my parents, you pretentious jerk? How do you know they weren’t colossal screw ups? How do you know I wasn’t a doorstep baby? If my parents did “think that way” I wouldn’t be alive to know the difference. Then I wouldn’t be sitting here listening to your mindless drivel would I? I’ll add “go back in time, prevent own conception, avoid talking to blithering idiot” to my to-do list.
- “What if (insert generic birth control failure horror story here) happens and you end up pregnant?” Abortion. That’s what happens. And are you seriously wishing an unplanned pregnancy on me, douche kabob?
- “Babies strengthen relationships.” Tell that to the millions of couples that split up after having kids. Procreating does not guarantee a stable, loving relationship. It adds a significant amount of stress to your lives and a lot of couples can’t pull through that. If you think babies strengthen relationships, what’s your opinion about a teenager’s impact on one? Babies don’t stay babies permanently. They grow up and they’ll eventually be able to form their own opinions and call you out on your own BS. Do you really think you’ll feel a deeper bond with your significant other after your angsty teenager screams, “I wish I was never born!!” and storms off to his room to blast Hawthorne Heights for three hours straight? Didn’t think so.
- “You’re (insert arbitrary age here), you better get on that!” Childfree people don’t buy into the “biological clock” crap. Aging and becoming sterile is a dream come true for us, not a nightmare scenario that we’ll regret forever. If you’re so concerned about eggs, then make an omelet and shut the hell up.
- “Without my kids, my life would have no meaning.” So, everything you accomplished before you had kids was completely meaningless? How sad. Why did you even bother getting getting your degree, making new friends, traveling and generally living if children are your life’s only purpose? Why didn’t you just sit around and wait for some guy to finish in you? That seems like it would have been much easier.
- “You have a bad attitude. Please don’t have kids.” Likewise, my hypocritical, feeble-minded friend. Someone who berates other people for their personal choices probably wouldn’t make a very good parent, don’t you think?
