Things My Drunk Self Needs To Stop Doing

I don’t know about anyone else, but when I get drunk — and I mean really trashed, borderline blackout — I do some really stupid (read: embarrassing) crap. And honestly, Drunk Me needs to stop doing all of these things:

Calling people at 3am.

Thankfully, Drunk Me knows better than to call exes. Drunk Me doesn’t, however, seem to understand that most people at 3am are sleeping — and usually people who haven’t heard from Sober Me in months aren’t fond of being woken up in the middle of the night.

Sneaking shots after being cut off.

Drunk Me has a really bad habit of taking bottles when people aren’t looking. It has led to waking up in a closet with no recollection of how I got there, and it’s also led to being carried out of a lake and into the car to go home because I couldn’t walk. Not classy, Drunk Me. Not classy at all.

Drinking vodka in any way, shape or form.

There is literally nothing worse that Drunk Me can do than somehow manage to ingest vodka. As soon as it hits my system, Drunk Me becomes overly emotional — anger, sadness, you name it. Vodka always leads to an emotional breakdown and one hell of a hangover the following morning.

Pouring out my deepest, darkest secrets.

This will literally happen to whichever poor soul comes across me while I’m vomiting. Drunk Me never fails to use some stranger in the bathroom as a therapist, and it’s actually super pathetic.

Taking off my shirt.

While Sober Me hates being center of attention, Drunk Me is an attention whore who likes to run around in her bra for some ridiculous reason. I guess I’m at least thankful that the bra always stays on, because God knows nobody needs to see that.

Saying I have a good idea.

If Drunk Me has a “good idea”, there is a 100% chance that it is NOT a good idea. For example, spin the bottle in a group of two straight guys, two gay guys and two straight girls — literally everyone was uncomfortable and I don’t know why any of them agreed to it in the first place. Also, strip pong — just no.

Attempting to prove I can do something that I most definitely cannot.

Everyone says, “Kristan, no.” But Drunk Me says, “KRISTAN, YES!” And then I end up with some gnarly bruises.

Double fisting any kind of drinks.

Doesn’t matter if it’s water in one hand and beer in the other — somehow Drunk Me will manage to set down the water and pick up a bottle of whiskey instead, and then the beer will be replaced with rum. It’s inevitable.

Being a bitch.

Drunk Me can be a real dirtbag, especially if drinking games are involved. I get competitive af, and it makes Drunk Me a super bitch. Oops?

Becoming “that girl” in the bathroom who is BFFs with everyone.

On second thought, Drunk Me should keep doing this one. I’ve met some pretty cool girls that way. Plus, who doesn’t love the drunk girl who compliments you on how pretty you are? I think I can condone this behavior.

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