9 Things Guys Would Kill For A Woman To Do For Us—Would You?

If you believe the popular perception of guys, then we’re all incapable of listening, we think about sex 24/7, and we always leave the toilet seat up yet still manage to pee on everything. That being said, we’re still human beings with feelings and a list of complex desires we wish our female counterparts would fulfill every once in a while. Here are just a few of them.

  1. Make the first move. We guys may keep a straight face and pretend that we’re not on the verge of a panic attack every time we casually approach you, but trust us, inside of our brains, a meltdown sequence has already been initiated. Why not put us out of our misery and strike up the conversation once in a while? The same goes for the first kiss—it’s 2018, so why is this solely our responsibility? On the same topic, if you want to have sex, simply initiate it. Maybe we’re not in the mood right now, but it probably won’t take much on your part to get us there.
  2. Spend less time in stores when you’re shopping. For guys, shopping is a quick affair, in and out after we get the thing we went for. We know where the item is, we move in a straight line towards it, we buy it, and we leave. Walking around a mall and trying on different clothes for hours isn’t our idea of a Saturday well spent, but because we like you, we’ll pretend to be having fun. That is until we’re in a relationship with you… and then it’s too late to say how we actually feel.
  3. Be the big spoon. We were all children once, scrunched up in the fetal position with the comforting arms of a parental figure keeping us warm and safe. We might be adult men now who obviously know how to chop wood and wrestle bears (or something), but this doesn’t mean that we wouldn’t appreciate a little back cuddle, you know.
  4. Occasionally pay for our meals. There’s an annoying instinct hard-wired into men to spend all of our money on you, and for the most part, our self-important egos thrive on doing so. However, I can’t even imagine a girl offering to pay for my meal or my movie ticket—I’d probably marry her on the spot. Oh, and while we’re at it, maybe purchase a round of drinks every once in a while too?
  5. Get ready faster. No one’s trying to rush perfection and we’re always grateful when we have the most attractive girl in our presence during social situations, but maybe if you took fewer selfies, we could leave the house almost on time? Is that an option? No? Never mind, forget I said anything.
  6. Acknowledge the balls. Balls are weird—believe me, everyone in the world is well aware of that fact, even guys. Still, you’ll be surprised what the slightest bit of attention to these guys will do for our overall happiness. Be gentle and be respectful and within seconds, you’ll have full control of the whole situation.
  7. Stop eating off of our plates. Equality is important, but it’s undeniable that the male physique requires more calories to function properly. As a result, our plates may look overflowing with delicious goodness, but we need all of that, which is why we put it there. If you order a salad and then steal a french fry, then you’ve basically invaded our home and declared war.
  8. Stay on your half of the bed with your half of the covers. Those beautiful moments that occur between sex and falling asleep are prime snuggle time. Most of us are fully committed to the cause, but when slumber comes knocking, it would be good if you could utilize the full width of the bed. Your beautiful arms are so appreciated every day, but when they’re smothering us to the point of claustrophobic hyperventilation, then the nightmares begin. What’s worse is when you finally roll away and for some reason need to take all the covers with you, abandoning us out in the cold, leaving us to die from pneumonia.
  9. Tell us what you want when we’re down there. Pleasing a man is a fairly standard procedure, whereas a woman comes with an assorted array of buttons and levers, a combination of which must be used in order to unlock her happy place with no same password unraveling any two girls. All you need to do is tell us what you want and we’ll do it. Just say the words! Guide us towards the light! Help us help you!
As a child, Jared could always be found in the corner of his room nearly crushed to death by piles of paper, as he scribbled down words faster than his thoughts could produce them. As time has gone on, these very same words have found a home on the blog Juice Nothing, where Jared's mental demons have been read around the world, over a million times and counting. His first self-published book, This Is Your Brain On Drugs, was released in 2016, and he now spends most of his time writing scripts for animators, composing terrible music, or painting cartoon characters that nobody will ever buy.