Divorce is tough on everyone.
We all know family dynamics and our relationship with our parents have a huge impact on our lives and who we become—not to mention how much therapy we need. The internet is full of scary-sounding stats on what happens to kids who grow up with divorced parents, but experiencing it first-hand is a whole different story that goes way beyond the stereotypes. Divorce may not hold the stigma that it used to, but there’s no denying that growing up with divorced parents is a unique experience. While no two experiences are exactly alike, here are a few things that most children of divorce can relate to.
1. Holidays are a logistical nightmare.
Spending the holidays relaxing in one location? Not an option. With divorced parents, you know you’ll have to plan ahead if you want to fit everyone in. When you were a kid, double the gifts made it all worth it, but now it just means more driving. Add a partner and their family obligations to the mix and holidays become a lot more complicated than you ever thought possible. You probably can’t watch Four Christmases with Vince Vaughan and Reese Witherspoon without feeling triggered.
2. You’re an expert packer.
Living in two different places means you were packing a to-go bag often. From the essentials to specific items you needed for longer stays to taking into account what you already have two of (two toothbrushes were a must), the art of packing with intention was a skill you mastered early on. Now, you can pack a carry-on or an overnight bag with your eyes closed.
3. The whole concept of step-parents
The evil stepmother trope may be a cliche, but for some kids of divorced parents, it was totally true. Or at least, your teenage brain thought it was. Learning to accept a parent’s new partner into your world will always be challenging no matter your age, but you know now that step-parents and step-families can actually be a blessing in disguise.
4. Your people-pleasing tendencies are strong.
If your family situation was volatile, it makes sense that you felt some responsibility for keeping the peace. You learned how to say what people wanted to hear and make your own needs less of a priority because you just wanted everyone else to be happy. With a little self-awareness, hopefully one day you’ll be able to call yourself a recovered people pleaser.
5. You have a strong opinion on marriage.
The examples of relationships that you had growing up will naturally shape how you approach romance when you’re older. Whether you want marriage because it signifies a sense of security and stability you didn’t have growing up or you want to avoid it at all costs because you know it doesn’t promise either one of those things, you know you have your divorced parents to thank for your feelings about marriage.
6. You know how to adapt.
Bouncing back and forth between the rules and routines of two different houses means learning how to adapt. That has turned you into an adult who can adapt to different expectations, environments, and situations when needed. For example, you’re probably the friend who takes care of unexpected travel changes without having a meltdown.
7. You know what your parents really think of each other.
Divorce can come with a lot of bitterness, and some ex-couples aren’t good at hiding those feelings—especially from their kids. Hearing things like “you’re just like your dad” when you’re being stubborn, or “sounds like something your mom would say” may be throwaway comments to your parents, but to you, they sunk in and stayed there. It may have taken a while, but you’ve learned that how your parents feel about each other doesn’t have any correlation to how they feel about you.
8. You know how to ask for what you want.
Invited to a sleepover on a weekend you were supposed to be at your dad’s house? Asking both parents’ permission for everything was a bit of a pain, but it taught you that no one can read your mind. Your parents had a schedule to stick to so if you wanted to change something, you had to speak up. At the same time, balancing between your needs and your desire to please everyone was a constant battle.
9. You’re cautious when it comes to commitment.
Marriage is the ultimate commitment, but from your perspective, it doesn’t really mean anything. While you may not be actively afraid of commitment, you can definitely be in your head about what it means to commit. The last thing you want is to go through a divorce yourself, so you can be slow to commit and you want to be sure you’re choosing the right person.
10. You’ve built a unique relationship with each parent.
Unlike people whose parents have been together for decades, you’ve never seen your parents as a unit. They are their own people with their own lives and you’ve found a way to have a one-of-a-kind relationship with both of them.
11. You believe in the power of therapy.
Not only are you in therapy now, but you probably were when you were a kid too. Having someone impartial to talk to (that you don’t have to make happy), has made a huge difference and you can’t imagine your life without it.
12. You’re good at seeing both sides.
You grew up navigating your parents’ personalities and all the ups and downs that came with their relationship. As an adult, not only are you usually the mediator in your group of friends but you’re also the person they turn to when they need to talk through an issue or they’re looking for help understanding where someone else is coming from.
13. You’re an excellent listener.
Even if your parents did their best to shield you from the hard stuff, there were inevitably times when you would listen to their frustrations. Since you were so good at understanding both perspectives, you actually had some pretty accurate insight sometimes, especially as you got older. That ability to listen has followed you through life and made you a better friend than you might have been otherwise.
14. You have a unique bond with your siblings.
Your siblings are the only ones who understand your family dynamics the same way you do, for better or for worse. You’ve been navigating the same ups and downs for your entire lives, so it helps to feel like a team when you have to manage your parents being in the same room for big events like graduations and weddings. No matter what happens, you know you can count on your siblings to get it.
15. You did eventually make peace with it.
Even if you hated the fact that your parents were divorced when you were a kid, growing up means you’ve made peace with it and maybe even started to see it as a good thing. Accepting your family for all its flaws can be a journey, but kids with divorced parents have a unique perspective that sometimes a breakup is for the best.
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