10 Things I’ll Never Do In Front Of My Boyfriend Because I Want Him To Think I’m Hot

I definitely feel comfortable enough to be my grossest self in front of my boyfriend, but I also want him to see me as a beautiful, flawless sex goddess. For the sake of our relationship, I want to keep romance and passion a priority, and him witnessing my most troll behavior—or the blood, pain and extreme preening it takes to maintain sex goddess standards—is NOT an aphrodisiac! Here are 10 things I’ll never let him see.

  1. The hair removal contortions Leg shaving is okay—I can make that sexy!—but as all women know, those harder-to-reach areas involve some awkward body positions that are the total opposite of graceful! I’d rather keep the double chin underarm squint and the bikini line squat and spread behind a locked door. No one needs to see that, let alone the person I’m going to rub my smooth self up against later.
  2. Active blackhead warfare Dealing with zits and blocked pores is totally gross, yet strangely satisfying, but this too should be a solo activity! I may secretly enjoy examining my own used nose strip, but I wouldn’t want to examine my boyfriend’s or watch him excavate a zit. Ew! He doesn’t need to be involved in the stuff that comes out of my skin sometimes.
  3. Grievous body gases This is not about being “ladylike” because who gives a crap? This is about common decency. Farting is disgusting and it has a zero role in my sex life. I’m not tolerating butt gases in my presence period, so if this means a bathroom dash where stinks can be contained, I’m cool with that, and I expect him to do the same. Guy smells are THE WORST!
  4. Personal bathroom time I know some couples see going to the bathroom freely in front of each other as an intimacy milestone, but seriously?! Of course he knows I poop, but that’s the extent of his intel on the topic. Sex goddesses don’t poop in front of their lovers, describe what just went down in the bathroom, or tell him they texted him while doing it!
  5. The post-party vomit session Okay, sometimes these unfortunate incidents really can’t be helped, even I have accidentally showered my boyfriend’s foot in prosecco-flavored puke (he’s still teasing me about that). However, nothing ruins what could become a hot, drunken sex session like vomming up those shots you probably should’ve refused. I don’t want him to ever associate me with puke (GROSS) and it took a lot of sexy underwear to regain my pride!
  6. Those wayward hairs We all get them—the chin ones, the in-grown ones, and those weird ones that sprout out literally anywhere you don’t want to find them! The standard protocol for dealing with this is, search, find, destroy, text my best friend about any new developments, then pretend it never happened, especially to my guy, who must think my hotness is natural and effortless so I can feel awesome about myself!
  7. The monthly gore fest If I have to suffer the vile hormonercoaster that is a menstrual cycle then I expect my guy to be sympathetic and supportive. However, I don’t need to share all the gory details with him. I want him to think of my lady parts as the holy grail of desire, so sharing the gruesome details of the horror movie that happens in my underwear once a month isn’t conducive to this situation.
  8. Grotty body maintenance Let’s be honest, maintaining optimum body standards is a lot of work and none of it is pretty! Ears must be cleaned, teeth whitened, feet pedicured, and dry skin exfoliated—sometimes with power tools! This is something I do for myself to feel beautiful, and while I obviously expect my boyfriend to love me nonetheless, having an audience while I de-troll myself doesn’t make me feel beautiful, so I keep this stuff private!
  9. My extreme beauty regime My boyfriend is much younger than me and anti-aging products are barely on his radar. Keeping our age gap the non-issue (that it honestly is) is important to my self esteem, so the way I see it, he doesn’t need to know about my fine line paranoia, how much I spent on a serum made from snail secretion or the fact I consider Botox at least twice a week! In his eyes, I’m gorgeous, so he definitely wouldn’t get it.
  10. Next level slobbing Being a (slightly insane) sex goddess is hard, so when I’ve got a chunk of me time, I’m definitely not washing my hair, I’m probably wearing my oldest pajamas, and I might be finding crumbs in my cleavage from scoffing cookies while I binge watch Netflix! I love slobbing out with my boyfriend too, but only alone can I drop ALL standards.