Everybody drinks, right? No. Despite what TV shows and college campuses might make you believe, a few women out there don’t drink. It gets tiresome for those women who don’t drink to always feel pressured by all their friends. It’s like people have no concept of a life of complete sobriety. I’ve heard all of these lines before and if you’re like me, you’d rather throw the bottle at the next person who says one instead of giving in and drinking.
- What DO you drink? Um… I know you’re a little tipsy right now, but do you remember things like water, soda, juice and all those other liquids you mix with alcohol? Yes, I stay hydrated without beer and wine.
- I bet you’d love it if you just tried it. I don’t care about the taste. I just like to keep my brain and body functioning normally. No, I really wouldn’t love staggering around like an idiot or passing out in the middle of a party. Thanks for the thought though.
- You just don’t know how to have a good time. Apparently, you’re the one who doesn’t know how to have a good time. I’m having a great time and guess what? I’ll actually remember it tomorrow. Plus, no nasty hangover for me the next day.
- Come on, everybody else is doing it. Okay, let me just line up on that bridge everyone’s jumping off of too. Are you seriously that immature? No, everybody else isn’t doing it and if you were sober, you’d realize that.
- But it’s a party. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize “party” meant stand around and drink beer all night. I thought we were actually going to party with like dancing, talking, playing games and doing karaoke. But then again, I guess it’s no fun if you’re not drunk.
- Are you pregnant? Nope. I’m just enjoying a healthy liver. Besides, if I’m not drunk, I don’t forget the birth control and don’t end up with a nice surprise 9 months later. I’ll just stay sober and avoid all the risky sex with strangers part.
- It’ll help you relax. Hanging over the toilet isn’t relaxing. Plus, all the money I’m saving by not drinking makes me feel a lot more relaxed. I might even use it to take a nice vacation while you’re busy working to pay for your bar tab.
- So you think you’re better than me? So me refusing to drink offends you? I’m not judging you. Do whatever you want. As long as you’re not driving drunk, I really don’t care. All these questions are starting to offend me though.
- That’s great! You’ll be our DD. Yes, that’s just what I want to do with my night. Cart around a bunch of annoying drunks. Pay for gas and get my car detailed if you vomit in it and I might consider it. Otherwise, there’s always Uber.
- I thought you didn’t drink, so I didn’t invite you. I’m no longer your friend just because I don’t drink? What the hell! I still enjoy hanging out. I just don’t need a drink in hand to enjoy it. Maybe everyone else could consider a dry night and see what real fun is like.
- It’s so much fun though. Once again, just no. Maybe I’m strange, but I don’t get what’s so fun about alcohol. I’d be much happier going to events and not dealing with the obnoxious people around me who keep downing one drink after another. If you only knew what you looked like drunk, you wouldn’t think it was so fun.
- Don’t make me drink alone. Wait, I thought everybody was doing it. Besides, you’re making me be sober alone. You don’t have to drink at all. But, if you want to, you’ll definitely be doing it by yourself.
- Is there something wrong with you? Why does there have to be something wrong with me? I made a choice not to drink. It doesn’t mean I have some of issues. It just means I like being sober and enjoy life much more when I always know what’s going on.
- How do you meet guys? I prefer not to prostitute myself out for free alcohol thank you very much. I prefer meeting guys who aren’t just looking for easy targets. Plus, if a guy has to have a few drinks in him to want to ask me out, I don’t really want to be with him. Trust me, there are much better ways to meet guys.
Dear women who don’t drink, stand up and just walk away the next time you hear any of these. Maybe all our friends will finally get the hint.