I Think I’m Amazing But I’d Hate To Date Myself

I friggin’ love myself and think I’m one of the coolest people I know. I know myself really well and have learned to love my flaws and faults as well as my general badassery. This is great for me but probably not so great for the guys I date. As I’m sure my mother will tell you, I’m a bit more than a handful.

  1. I talk about myself too much. I’ll never forget the moment I realized how self-involved I am. The night before I graduated from college, I was playing a version of “Never Have I Ever” that was specific to our college experiences with my friends (e.g. never have I ever had sex in the common building). About halfway through the game, having gone around the circle at least once, my friend Josh stopped me as I started to tell some anecdotal story to whichever “never” had just been stated. “Terry, do you realize you’ve told a story about yourself after every single person has gone?” he asked me. Oops! I’m still grateful to Josh for calling me out that night, and I do genuinely try to make an effort these days to listen more, ask more questions, and talk less, but it is so hard. I just have a lot to say!
  2. I’m kind of mean. Personally, I see this as one of my best traits because I’m as honest as they come. It’s what I believe makes me an interesting person, an engaging writer, and a self-assured woman. Don’t ask me my opinion if you’re not prepared for me to answer with exactly what I’m thinking/how I feel. Don’t ask me my opinion if you have a frail ego because I just might bruise it even further. I don’t mean to be mean, I just refuse to lie.
  3. My personal hygiene habits leave something to be desired. I shower probably twice a week, change my sheets maybe once a month, eat in bed and leave dirty dishes in my room for days on end… the list goes on. I’ve only recently started “washing my legs” after the guy I’m dating and I watched an episode of You’re The Worst in which a character admits to not totally scrubbing down her body in the shower and I realized maybe I should do more than just wash my hair and vagina while I’m in there.
  4. I’m one of the unhealthiest people I know. My only real hobby, aside from reading occasionally and wasting my life away playing sudoku, is drinking. I drink almost every day and I’m on medication that kills my appetite, so I basically live off of coffee until 11 p.m. when I inevitably inhale half a frozen pizza or fast food. I don’t exercise in literally any form unless you count sex. I smoke cigarettes to a degree that grosses even me out, but I’m not willing to put the energy into quitting or even cutting back yet. Bottom line here is that I’m kind of just a gross person, but I’m also pretty cute and a lot of fun, so it’s an even trade, right?
  5. I’m a creature of comfort and I do what I want. No, I don’t want to try that new Turkish restaurant down the street. I don’t think I like Turkish food and I know I like mozzarella sticks, so hard pass on trying something new. When I find a place or a thing that I like, I don’t see the point in straying from it. To my credit, I haven’t always been this way. I’ve moved to new cities on my own several times, I’ve traveled a lot and tried a lot of new things and seen a lot of new places. I just know what I like now and I’d like to stick to it.
  6. I’m probably still texting other boys. I’m not saying I’m cheating, but I’m also not saying that I’m not replying when my old FWB texts me and tells me he misses me, or when I’m drunk and I miss the guy who treated me like crap but I kind of still have feelings for. I have ADHD and focusing on one thing at a time is not my forte.
  7. I want to end up with someone else. On that note, I have an end game. This is a whole other novel of a story entirely, but there’s a particular person out there who I want to marry someday and I’ve wanted him for almost a decade. Even if I fall head over heels in love with a guy I’m dating, the other guy is still in the back of my mind… and maybe on the other end of the telephone line while the guy I’m dating is asleep in bed next to me.
  8. I’m a useless piece of crap in the winter. I’m a lazy person in general, but I’m also a lazy person who has seasonal affective and bipolar disorder. This combination doesn’t bode well for the long, overcast winters in western Pennsylvania. I often say that I’m a plant in that I need sunlight or I’ll die. Or rather, I need sunlight or I’ll stay in my bed for six months straight and do nothing but blankly stare at my computer screen and chain smoke in my bed. If you want to hang out, come watch whatever show I’ve decided on (you don’t get a say) and touch my butt. Oh, and buy me pizza too.
  9. I tend to lead people on. I have this problem where I fall into this girlfriend-type role with dudes almost immediately. Something about male attention brings out my domestic, maternal side, so I inadvertently send signals to guys I’m really only trying to have a casual fling with and they end up thinking I want something more serious like monogamy. Bleh!