This Is The Secret To Great Sex

It’d be nice if every sexual experience was guaranteed to be amazing, but that’s just not the case. If you want to have great sex, you have to make it happen (along with your partner, of course) — and you can’t do that if you’re hung up on your insecurities about your body, your performance, or anything else. If you’re allowing your insecurities into the bedroom, you’re saying goodbye to mind-blowing sex — here’s why:

  1. You zone out of the experience. Instead of focusing on how amazing the sex you’re having with your partner is, you’re looking at your thighs and wondering when they got so much cellulite and how to treat it, which means you’re zoning out on the possiblity of great sex and getting lost in stress. Um, hello? You’re in the middle of something pleasurable! Enjoy it!
  2. You prevent orgasms. It becomes harder to reach an orgasm if you’re not completely absorbed by your sexual experience, so you might be left feeling dissatisfied — and all because of how you think you look bad. Don’t you want to feel a bit of release? If you’re having sex, the answer’s likely “yes,” so stop standing in your own way.
  3. You create a problem where there isn’t one. Many of your insecurities hold no water. You might fear your legs aren’t long enough or your breasts are too small, but your partner doesn’t even notice what you’re lacking. If someone is having sex with you, you can pretty much bet they think you’re super attractive and aren’t worrying about whether your boobs look perky or your stomach jiggles. Get a grip.
  4. Stress isn’t conducive to great sex. Worrying too much about your body makes you feel stressed and it’s really hard to have amazing sex with your partner if you’re a big stress ball in bed. In fact, sex is supposed to RELIEVE stress, not cause it. If that’s not the way it’s working out, you’re doing something wrong.
  5. You’re less likely to try anything new and exciting. Your partner might want to try a new fun position but because you’re worried it will bring your flaws into full view, you say no and resort to having the usual vanilla sex. For the tenth time in a row. This sucks because you’re not only focusing on what you consider to be the problem of your flaws, but you’re also creating a new problem: a boring sex life!
  6. You don’t enjoy the view. Looking at each other during sex can be really satisfying, physically and emotionally. Plus, if you’re a visual person, you’ll know what a turn-on it can be to watch your partner and what he’s doing. But if you’re closing your eyes, closing the curtains and switching off the lights, you’re decreasing your sensory pleasure.
  7. You lack the sexiest quality. Confidence is the sexiest thing you can own, much more than a perfect body. If you’re confident about your body and your sexual behavior, this instantly makes you so much more attractive. It also makes sex much more pleasurable for you and your partner.
  8. You make your partner feel uncomfortable. You can totally sense when someone’s not enjoying sex or feeling comfortable, and it can create bedroom tension. It makes earth-shattering sex fizzle out into really awkward sex in five minutes flat. Nobody’s going to be smoking a cigarette after that session.
  9. You turn sex into a chore. You might dread being seen naked in front of your partner, which over time can make you dread having sex altogether. Sex starts to feel like something that makes you feel bad about yourself, but you’re the one who’s causing yourself to feel lousy! Great sex is just waiting for you to join the party.
  10. You stop being spontaneous. It’s really hard to have spontaneous sex in an exciting location when you’re so caught up in your insecurities because you won’t want to leap out of your comfort zone, but it can be just what your relationship needs to feel good again — and it can be just what you need to realize you’re way sexier than you think.
  11. You start creating distance in your relationship. If you’re always feeling insecure about yourself, sooner or later you’ll start expressing it to your partner. This makes you negative. If you don’t leave those insecurities at the bedroom door, you’re allowing all your issues to get in the way of great sex and, even worse, create distance in your relationship.
  12. You believe the sex online myths. Sex in real life is going to be different from what you see in sex online. For starters, you’re not going to climax so easily, so don’t put so much pressure on yourself. Next, the bodies just aren’t realistic. So stop comparing yourself to the women you see in sex online and start focusing on your own sex life and how to make it great.
  13. No matter what your partner says, you believe you suck. Insecurities are sometimes like wearing a dress that everyone says looks amazing on you but which you feel fat in. No matter what your partner says to try to reassure you that you’re gorgeous, you still define yourself according to your flaws. Instead of doing that, try this: see yourself through his eyes and look at the assets he loves to touch and stroke in the bedroom. Changing your perspective can help you get you out of your head and back into that sizzling bed!
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.