A good, healthy relationship should feel safe while also pushing you out of your comfort zone and challenging you. I think it’s really important to be able to have fun with your BF, but you also have to be able to balance that with self-care and having your own life. I thought my ex was my soulmate… until I realized that I couldn’t stand being around him unless I was drinking.
He fit the description of the textbook “bad boy” and I was insanely attracted to it. He had pretty blue eyes and a handsome smile. He also had a record, lots of crazy stories, and two kids with his ex-wife. He drove a pickup truck and wasn’t cautious in the least bit. He was always ready for an adventure, up to do anything, and I was addicted to his all-consuming attitude. There was nothing about him that felt safe, but being around him was a huge adrenaline rush and I loved it.
I thought that his constant need for adventure was a good thing. And it can be, to a point, but it’s dangerous to fall in love with someone who constantly needs to be on the go, always distracting himself with something. He was always doing interesting things, which made me think he was interesting.
It seemed like we could talk for hours and hours. We did talk for hours, but always with beers or vodka in our hands. I thought that our ability to ramble on for hours late into the night meant we were connecting, but in reality, we were usually just buzzed. The conversations were sometimes about important topics but mainly were just us staying up too late drinking, which left me overtired and hungover for work in the morning.
Everything we did together began with alcohol. I didn’t realize how destructive and unhealthy this behavior was at the time, but we were constantly drinking, no matter what it was we were planning on doing for the day. At the time, I thought it was fun and exciting but now I see that we were using alcohol to avoid dealing with our own issues and actually getting to know each other.
You don’t really know someone if you’re constantly drinking when you spend time with them. He didn’t know the actual me, just me after having a few drinks and vice versa. I loved the idea of him, but did I really know him? No, I just knew who he was with alcohol running through his veins.
My friends didn’t like him and they didn’t really like who I became when I was around him. They knew that our relationship was destructive and they didn’t want to see me get hurt or neglect my responsibilities. They also saw him through sober eyes before I ever did, and knew just how annoying and self-obsessed he really was. I noticed that they began making excuses for why they couldn’t hang out with us.
A relationship based only on having fun isn’t good or healthy. I’m all for relationships that are fun, make you happy and help you to let loose, but life can’t be a constant party and neither should a healthy, serious relationship. If all your BF wants to do is drink, party and have fun, that means he probably has an issue with avoiding things and is trying to ignore his issues. It can also distract you from getting done the things you need to. You should be able to count on your guy to be there not just to party with you, but also to push you to be better and healthier, as well.
Just like alcohol, being around him felt amazing at the time, but I always felt pretty crappy the next day. I loved being around him and having a good time with him, but the next day, I was always anxious, tired, and thinking about all of the important things I kept putting off. Of course, like with any addiction, it was hard to come to the realization that keeping him in my life was physically and metaphorically destructive to my well-being.
Finally, the constant drinking and adventure-seeking caught up with me, and I was exhausted. I decided that I wanted to take a break from drinking, and although he was reluctant and definitely not super into the idea, he agreed and joined me. When we were sober, we realized we didn’t really have much to say to each other and I found myself getting annoyed by his quirks that used to make me laugh. I realized his personality was draining unless I was drunk, and being around him sober made me realize we weren’t soulmates—we were just drinking buddies.
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