I Thought I Was Just Being Friends With An Ex But I Was Fooling Myself

My mind can really convince me of some outlandish things, especially when I’m creeping on the social media of old flames. Sometimes I think it’s a good idea to add them or reach out when my inhibition is crap. In this case, I was telling myself I just wanted it to be a casual friendship thing but there was no way that’s what would actually play out.

I deluded myself into thinking that my actions were innocent.

Creeping on an old flame, I convinced myself it wouldn’t be a big deal if I added him on Facebook. After all, he tried adding me a few months ago. What’s the harm? When he proceeded to message me I thought it would be a harmless exchange, quick and casual. You know, because anything involving exes is ever casual for me.

I started to enjoy the attention. 

I mean, I don’t have a lover in my life. I don’t have a dude who’s responding instantly to my messages and continuing to strike up a conversation with me. Plus, he was genuinely interested in my life and what I’m doing. Hm, maybe this could be a good thing, I thought. Despite the pit in my stomach, I proceeded to bask in the attention.

I knew it was going to end horribly.

That pit in my stomach grunted at me that there’s no way talking to an old flame is going to end well. We’re not going to be happy-ever-after friends. We’re not going to be the weird in-between unhealthy friends/lovers that we used to be and we’re certainly never going to be together for real. Instead, both of us are going to get hurt.

Our relationship was never healthy. 

Even though I was romanticizing, our relationship was never something to look back on fondly. He was a side lover I was with while I was also in a monogamous-ish long-term relationship with someone else. Really, there’s no reason to think that going back to him in any capacity is a good idea, yet there I was.

I wanted a smidge of what used to be. 

Despite the reality of what used to be, all I could remember were the few things that were good. I selectively blotted out all the other unhealthy stuff and instead wanted a smidge of the good that used to be. I thought about how lovely our friendship was and how he was always there. The reality was, though, that we were toxic for each other and what used to be wasn’t desirable.

It wasn’t the spark that it used to be. 

There was a lot of unhealthiness in our relationship but we were certainly attracted to each other and cared about one another the best we could. The spark was just gone when we talked this time. I think it’s because I’m actually in a much healthier place. I just don’t have toxic relationships like that in my life anymore so it wasn’t appealing when we were talking.

I got mad at him when he acted like he used to.

Since I was deluding myself about my motives, I was outraged when he tried to hit on me and take our conversation to the next level. I got mad at him, thinking that I was totally just trying to be friends. In reality, I was sending messages that said I wanted to be just friends and I also want to be more than friends.

I sent mixed messages.

What I was doing was totally unfair to both of us and it was happening because I didn’t know what I wanted. I sent mixed messages, leading him to believe that my talking to him all the time meant I wanted to be more than friends. Then, my taking forever to answer or not answering at all led him to believe I just wanted to be friends or nothing. It was really confusing to him. 

I ended up causing us both harm. 

We had a past that probably never should have happened. I already owe him amends for the harm I’ve caused in the past, yet I opened up another can of worms to layer some more harm on. I really hurt the both of us when trying to jump back into the past like it’d be no big deal.

It took a few days to be willing to end it. 

I mean, I could have dragged this on for weeks, months, or years. That’s what I used to do. So, at least I’m better in the sense that this only lasted a few days before I was finally willing to end the talking. When I finally did end it, there was painful for both of us. He didn’t really take it well.

Now things are left at an awkward spot. 

My actions had sent a message to him saying I wanted to be in his life. Just a few days later saying “jk, nvm” isn’t enough to take back me opening such an old door. He didn’t really take my closing of the door well and said he still wants to be in my life. I’m likely going to have to block him, which is always just such an awkward spot to be in.

This is another lesson that I just cannot be friends with old flames. 

I’ve learned this lesson before but I’m thick-headed; I have to learn lessons many times before they sink in. Unfortunately, I have to get hurt and hurt others over and over again before I finally understand that I shouldn’t do that thing. Hopefully, this is one of the last times I have to learn this lesson because I’m sick of hurting myself and others.

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