It’s hard to say exactly when I realized I wanted more than just plain old vanilla sex, but it took years before I actually started experimenting with kinkier stuff like BDSM. For a while, I really enjoyed it and thought it’d always be part of my sex life, but then my boyfriend tried to choke me and I totally lost it.
Yes, it was actual strangling.
This wasn’t an “oh, I’ll just gently put my hands around your neck because I express love in unique ways” kind of thing—this was two hands roughly gripping and squeezing all of a sudden, making it hard for me to breathe. I felt no love, care, or respect but the total opposite. Plus, he did it hard enough to leave a mark.
It killed the mood for me right away.
It was like my body and my mind immediately stopped feeling any kind of sexual desire. Things actually became a bit painful down there as a result but we still had sex and I was sore the next day because of it. I also have to say that I’ve never felt more like an object in my life.
His eyes were the scariest part.
Struggling to breathe was bad enough, but the really terrifying part was looking into his eyes and seeing a side of him I didn’t know existed. It was a look that I can only describe as angry, excited, and cold all at the same time. Needless to say, I was both frightened and confused. Part of the fun of S&M is that there’s a bit of a danger element to it, but I never thought I would feel real, legitimate fear.
I wish I had stopped it sooner.
I did stop him, but unfortunately not as fast as I should have. Maybe it was because I was scared or because I was so surprised. Hell, maybe it was even because at that point in our relationship, all I wanted was to make him happy. Whatever the reason, I know now that my only reaction should have been to kick him off me (my wrists were handcuffed at the time) and tell him to stop immediately.
I felt like I’d played with fire and gotten burned.
For a long time, it felt like I had tried something new with BDSM only to have it backfire royally. It took me a long time to realize that my partner had actually crossed the line from consensual power play to a form of sexual violence. While S&M varies in degrees of roughness and technique, is at its core all about the consent and mutual enjoyment of everyone involved. I didn’t enjoy being strangled at all, and he didn’t seem to care either way.
I never saw him the same way afterward.
There were a lot of things that led to our eventual breakup, but the truth is that he seemed like a different person after the strangling incident. I think that we reveal a lot about ourselves during sex when we’re in that vulnerable state. I don’t think he was different. Instead, it gave me a glimpse of the real him—someone that I eventually realized I didn’t like at all.
It turned me off to sex for a while.
Not only was I turned off of S&M, but the once highly sexual woman who’d prized her libido had been replaced with a weird sort of bed zombie who only wanted to say goodnight and roll over. Whenever we did have sex after that, it felt more like a chore than something enjoyable. Admittedly, I faked a ton of orgasms during that period.
It made me reevaluate who I was.
There’s nothing like getting strangled in bed by your boyfriend to make you question your personal choices and the direction of your life in general. In addition to wondering whether or not he was actually the right person for me, I began thinking of better things I could be doing with my life. I’d been ignoring my career goals for much of that relationship, and starting to pursue them again began sounding way better than going back to bed each night with this guy.
I’d kind of like to try S&M again, but I’m afraid.
I admit that my interest in S&M hasn’t totally gone away. I love when my current boyfriend spanks me or pins me down in any way, and I’d honestly like to try more. Still, flashes of being strangled keep preventing me from going for it. Fortunately, I’m confident that this fear will eventually pass. After all, I’m back to enjoying sex again.
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