Attending a bachelorette party is a rite of passage. Your friend/acquaintance/family member/arch nemesis is getting married and you’ve been invited to celebrate at an alcohol-fueled party preceding the wedding ceremony. Unfortunately, some people just don’t get the bachelorette party right. While the occasion is supposed to be fun, sometimes it ends up being the opposite. While trapped in a lame bachelorette party that’s circling the toilet bowl all night, some interesting thoughts will go through your head.
- “Why are there penises everywhere?” Are the penis decorations supposed to be cute? Original? Interesting? Titillating? You feel the exact opposite because the “Penis…teehee!” thing has been done a zillion times. Penis-themed everything is even less exciting when these “erotic” penises come in the form of cheap, plastic pink party decorations. Penises aren’t scandalous. They’re just a part of life.
- “I’m so bored.” Sometimes the chemistry between all the guests at bachelorette parties is just… off. There’s no exciting conversation and laughter is rare. While some attendees find great joy in penis straws and penis party hats, others find the redundancy incredibly lame and do their best to seem excited. When you realize that this is the situation and the night cannot be saved, you’re going to get very, very bored.
- “I hope the wedding doesn’t suck this bad.” It’s only natural to wonder about the wedding when the bachelorette party is this abhorrent. The same people will be there. Why would the awkward, dead atmosphere change into something enjoyable and fun? Perhaps you have a second unimaginative gathering to look forward to. Lucky you.
- “There isn’t nearly enough alcohol here.” Alcohol will dull the pain of boredom and tedious conversation, but you’re boned if the party has little or no booze. If the party is at a bar or a club you can buy as many drinks as your wallet allows, but you may just be screwed at a home-based bachelorette party. Feel free to offer to bring your own (probably stronger and less fruity) alcohol. Your soul will thank you.
- “Holy hell, when will it end?” You don’t want to be rude and bail early because everything sucks, but at the same time…everything sucks. Time is slowing down with each agonizingly boring minute. It feels like it’s been six hours but when you check the clock you realize it’s only been twenty minutes. You’re going through your brain with a fine-toothed comb trying to come up with the most convincing excuse that will allow you to leave this wretched “party” immediately. When you can’t come up with anything, your body goes into survival mode and seeks out the nearest, most potent alcoholic beverage to soothe the stress.
- “Whoever planned this screwed up big time.” You have to hold someone responsible for this poor excuse for a bachelorette party. If you don’t direct your rage somewhere, it’s going to build up and erupt out of you at an inopportune time like explosive diarrhea. Someone must pay for this travesty. You need to find this monster so you can make a mental note to never, ever attend one of their heinous gatherings again.
- “Am I the only one who thinks this is terrible?” You can’t possibly be the only one. The gargantuan crappiness is so obvious. You do your best to try to read faces and search for a friend to experience the suckage with, but you don’t dare express your true feelings out of fear of offending someone and making yourself a bachelorette party pariah. You figure the best thing you can do is wear your best sparkly pink penis camouflage, buckle down and try to match the occasional high-pitched giggles of the other attendees. If they think you are one of them, they won’t maul you. Probably.
- “It’s finally over!!!” You did it. You survived the worst bachelorette party in the history of forever. Now all you have to do is walk outside, drop to your knees, stare up at the sky and weakly whisper, “Thank you.” to whatever deity you think got you through this disaster. You can now go home and shower until you feel clean again.