Ah, the dreaded third wheel: the awkward, sometimes soul-crushing position you end up in when you decide to tag along with a couple. It has the potential to be fun, but more often than not, you end up regretting the outing with every fiber of your being. While the nettlesome lovebirds are off in their own little world, your mind is left to contemplate which deity you pissed off badly enough to end up in this hell.
- “This is nauseating.” They’re so infatuated with each other. It’s icky. Their blatant display of love suddenly makes you very aware that you are single. You start to wonder if they pity you and asked you to come out for that very reason. You feel a curious combination of disgust and shame deep in your stomach as you watch them interact with each other.
- “Why did they invite me?” They’re not even paying attention to you. Perhaps you should take as many of their personal belongings as you can and see how long it takes for them to notice. Or maybe pretend to have a stroke and collapse in the grass. Why this couple invited you along today is a complete mystery. Your presence serves no function for them.
- “I hope they break up.” Admit it. >Watching this relationship crash and burn would be very, very satisfying. Does that make you a terrible person? Nah. It just makes you a person who enjoys explosive entertainment and justice.
- “Never again.” You’ve learned your lesson. Next time, you won’t come at all or you’ll drag another friend with you so you can share the pain. Plus, you and your friend can make fun of the overly romantic couple and bet on when and why they break up.
- “This is so awkward.” You have known these people for years, but somehow you are still incredibly uncomfortable. Why did you leave the warm comfort of your apartment again? Oh yeah. Because you hadn’t seen sunlight in several days and you thought some human interaction would be good for you. You were mistaken.
- “Do they even know I’m here?” These people look like they’re two seconds away from tearing off every article of clothing they’re wearing and ravaging each other like baboons in heat. They asked you to come along, but it appears as if they have completely forgotten that you’re sitting directly across the table from them. Well…damn.
- “I would never act like this.” You can’t imagine behaving this way in front of others with your significant other. It’s so gross. You save all of your sexual savagery for private locations like a normal person. You wouldn’t mind a little PDA, but all of the intense gazing and kissing is giving you diabetes.
- “No, I don’t want to be set up with [insert name here].” This couple seems to think the pervasive awkwardness is stemming from the fact that you are single. It’s not. The awkwardness is caused by this couple acting like they’re alone when they’re far from it. It wouldn’t matter if you had a man friend with you. They’d still be all “in love” and whatnot.
- “I have to get out of here.” Hanging out with this couple is fine in bigger groups or when the two of them are separated, but when you’re alone with them it’s insufferable. Time slows down to a near halt. You fidget with your hair and your phone, desperately trying to relieve the tension you know you are contributing to. You like them as people, but not as a couple. Especially when you’re alone with them. It’s time to execute an escape plan and bail as fast as you can.
- “Let’s do this again sometime.” You’ll say it, but you won’t mean it. There won’t be a next time, because you will most definitely have explosive hiccups, a ruptured solar plexus or broken feelings on the exact day and time they invite you out. Any physical ailment would be preferable to spending another afternoon with these sappy, clueless romantics.
