I’m Tired Of Meeting Awkward, Obnoxious Guys—Where Are All the Normal Ones?

Whether it’s online or in person, I can’t seem to meet a guy who doesn’t act like a completely socially awkward nimwit when we interact. Is it me, or have men simply lost all of the functional social behavior they once had? It shocks me what men will say and do at times. I’m so over guys who make these 15 mistakes:

1. They get tongue-tied. I know that we’re not in a video game chat room, but since when does every guy have a horribly difficult time making normal conversation with a woman in person? Why can’t they talk to me like they would any other person? I feel like every man instantly turns into Tarzan.
2. They make stupid jokes. If one more guy says a stupid dad joke in order to break the ice with me, I’m going to have a tough time being nice about it. It would be nice if they were at least funny once in a while, but they’re not. I end up feeling awkward and annoyed that I have to humor a stranger by laughing anyway.
3. They are borderline insulting. Let me make this clear to all the men out there—it’s NEVER cute to try and hit on a woman by insulting her. This happened to me recently and I’m still mad that I didn’t call the dude out on it. I had an opportunity to teach a guy a valuable lesson about respecting women and I missed it.
4. They’re weird about eye contact. I guess it’s because they spend too much time on their phones and not enough time interacting with real people. I just want to meet a guy who’s normal about looking at me and maintaining a mutual gaze for more than two seconds. It’s like they’re afraid I’m going to steal their souls.
5. They’re socially stupid. Some of them have no filter whatsoever. Some of them are entirely inappropriate. Some of them just don’t know what to say at all. None of those options are working for me. I just want to be around people who are genuine and authentic and comfortable in their own skin.
6. They laugh nervously. Some guys laugh—or worse, giggle—to fill awkward silences or make up for the words they don’t know how to say. It makes me feel very uncomfortable because it makes it quite apparent that they feel awkward. I don’t want to waste any more time with men who don’t know how to talk to me.
7. They try to seem cool. It’s fine when a man shows an active interest in my life and what I do. It’s fine when he tries to share stories about mutual interests. It’s not fine when he only wants to talk about himself and one-up any achievements I may have in the same area. What a total turn-off. Arrogance isn’t cute.
8. They can’t seem to be themselves. It’s glaringly apparent when any person isn’t comfortable in their own skin, and it’s especially weird when that person is trying to hit on you. If a guy can’t even show his truth when I’m meeting him, how will I ever be sure he’s showing it to me later? I’ll never trust him.
9. Their body language is weird. Either guys are afraid to make any physical contact with me at all or they think they’re super smooth. It’s no more appealing to have a guy try to cop a feel than it is to have one be afraid to brush my shoulder against his. Both approaches make me feel super uncomfortable.
10. They get argumentative for no reason. Oh, yeah, I love it when guys try to mansplain to me or argue with me because they think it makes them sound smart about whatever topic we’re discussing. Get over yourselves, dudes. I don’t think it’s hot when a man talks down to me. Quite the opposite.
11. They drink too much. This is the absolute worst! I do not understand when a man takes me out on a date and gets wasted. It’s one thing to be a little nervous but to have, like, eight drinks? That’s a sign of a glaringly obvious problem and I will definitely not be going out again with any man who behaves that way.
12. They way overshare. I’m not a therapist, I don’t want to be and I never will be. This applies to all areas of my life including my dating life. Going out with men who spill all their problems all over me is the most awkward thing ever and I’m tired of dealing with it. These guys aren’t sensitive, they’re hot messes.
13. They get too physically aggressive. Do gentlemen even exist anymore? I’d love to go out with a guy who treats me with respect and doesn’t try to get in my pants. Even if they wait for me to make the first move, they take that as a sign to go way further than I indicated. Just be a freaking human and treat me like another human, not an object.
14. They’re obnoxiously immature about sexual stuff. Either they joke about it poorly and make the atmosphere weird and uncomfortable or they grope at me like we’re in eighth grade. No, I don’t want to make out with dudes on the curb next to my car when we say goodnight. I want them to behave like adults.
15. They can’t even pretend to act genuinely interested. They don’t participate in the conversation or ask me about myself. They either talk about themselves the entire time or are clearly only trying to get to know me better on a physical level. That’s definitely not going to happen.