To The Woman Who Needs To Find Herself After A Breakup

You’ve just ended a relationship and whether it was you or the other person who did the breaking up, you feel terrible. You’re lost, confused, and just don’t even know where to go from here or who you are without your partner. When you’re finally alone and need to find yourself again, here’s what you need to keep in mind.

  1. It won’t last forever. First of all, this pain that you’re feeling will fade with time and eventually go away completely. I know you feel empty and like you’ve been punched in the gut, but you just have to trust the universe. It’s true that time heals all wounds and with time and patience, you’ll start to feel like your old self again. Try filling your days with things that make you feel productive and things that just bring you joy. If you have a busy job, throw yourself into your work and just focus on being the best you can be. Spend time doing things that make you happy and make yourself your main focus. You’ll be surprised how quickly things will start to go back to normal.
  2. It needed to happen. Whether you were the one that broke it off or they were, there were reasons behind it and those were valid. A relationship can’t exist happily if both people aren’t fully committed and willing to work and fight for it. Find peace in the fact that it was a necessary painful thing that had to happen so that both of you can go on to better, more fitting relationships. Think of it as freeing you up so that you can find your soulmate.
  3. You’re going to love the peace and quiet. Being single right after a breakup is a great time to just enjoy your solitude. Journal, meditate, do yoga, go on long walks, listen to your favorite album all the way through while soaking in a luxurious bubble bath. Sure, you can do all these things while you’re in a relationship but there’s something so cathartic and calming about self-care when you’re a newly single woman. It might sound a little ridiculous, but trust me. Give it a try and you’ll see what I mean.
  4. You can go on a spirit quest. Now that I have your attention, let me explain the “spirit quest.” It’s a term I’m obsessed with using when describing a personal journey or a quest to find one’s truth. After a relationship ends, you might feel as if you’re missing something. There was someone else next to you, playing a huge role in your life for a while and it’s easy to let that define you without even realizing you’re doing it. Take some time for yourself and go on a mental spirit quest. Shut out the world for a bit and think about who it is you want to be in comparison with who you are now. Make a set of short-term goals that you’d like to achieve in the near future and just do one thing every day that gets you closer to them. Trust me, it will be invigorating and like you’re giving yourself a fresh start. Let me make it clear though, you don’t need to change. It just feels good sometimes. Everyone deserves a clean slate every once in a while.
  5. It’s okay to take your time. After a breakup, there are going to be people in your life that try to convince you to jump right into a new relationship. Rebounds can be fun and take your mind off of the pain of the recent split but if that’s not where your heart is yet, it’s okay to say no. Timing is everything and you could meet the most amazing person on the planet the day after a nasty breakup, but if you’re not in a place to get involved again yet, it won’t mean anything to you. You don’t want to meet the right person at the wrong time. That would be cheating both of you out of something amazing. Just let yourself ease back into the dating scene. It’s a long journey.
  6. It’s okay to not take your time. On the other side of that token, it’s okay if you’re ready right now. Rebounds aren’t a crime and even if you’re not a rebound type of girl, you might meet the love of your life immediately after ending a relationship and that’s okay. Just like there will be people who try to pressure you to date before you’re ready, there will also be people who try to make you feel guilty for moving on too quickly. No one knows what’s right for you better than you. As long as you’re leading with your own heart and your own head, that’s all you need to do.
  7. You’re in control of everything, including your feelings. Always remember that you have the power to control everything. Sometimes we get so consumed by our emotions that we feel like we’ve lost control of ourselves and we don’t hold the keys to our own life anymore. It’s all in your head and you can’t believe that. It’s okay to let your emotions take over to a certain point. Sometimes we don’t have the energy to constantly remain in that positive mindset and that’s okay. Just keep in mind that you do still hold the power. That relationship didn’t take anything from you that you can’t get back.
  8. You’re strong. No, seriously. You are. You’ve heard this before but you have to truly believe it this time.  You’ve been through tough times before and you’ve made it through and you’ll make it through this. Put on some lipstick, listen to a kickass song, and tell yourself you’ve got this. You will be even stronger once you remember who you were before this relationship and once you get back to that girl and then an even better version of her.
  9. Your next relationship will be better, even if it’s not your last. The next person you fall for might be “The One.” They might, however, just be another relationship that’s good for a while until it’s not good anymore. You might have to go through this breakup stuff all over again, but just know that you’ll take what you learned from the last one and put it to use in this relationship. You’ll be smarter, more experienced, and know yourself better than you did before. You can’t guarantee that the guy will be better, but you’ll be better and that’s the most important thing.
  10. Don’t stress. He’s out there. One of the most important, if not the most important thing to keep in mind is that there is someone incredible out there for you. You will find each other and when you do, all of this other stuff will make perfect sense. You’ll realize that you had to go through the pain and the obstacles in order to reach the point in life where you were ready for that person. Your counterpart. He’s out there. You don’t have to search for him. Just find yourself and the rest will fall into place.


Shelby is a journalist and fiction writer raised in the South but built for the big city. She's a book nerd (well, an overall nerd, honestly) and coffee addict and obsessed with all things leather and lacy.

She has a bachelor’s degree in Mass Communication and Media Studies from Sam Houston State University and worked for her university newspaper, The Houstonian, as well as serving as a producer and part-time entertainment anchor for Cable 7 Huntsville. You can follow her on Twitter @shelby777.