Parenting adult kids is a delicate dance. You want to stay involved but not overstep, support them without smothering them. It’s a tough balance to strike, and sometimes, well-meaning actions can backfire. If you want your grown children to feel close to you and keep coming back, there are a few things you should avoid doing. Here are some tips to keep that bond strong and genuine.
1. Don’t criticize their life choices
Your adult kids are out there making decisions—good or bad—just like you did once. Criticizing their career, relationships, or lifestyle choices only makes them feel alienated. If they feel judged each time they talk to you, they’ll start calling less. Listen without judgment, and offer advice only when asked. Support goes much further than unsolicited opinions.
2. Avoid passive-aggressiveness
Phrases like, “I guess you’re too busy for me” seem light but can be hurtful. Passive-aggressiveness puts your kids on edge, making them less inclined to connect. If you’re feeling neglected, be honest but kind: “I miss you, let’s catch up soon.” This approach opens the door for connection rather than closing it with guilt. Clear communication fosters a healthier relationship.
3. Don’t expect daily check-ins
Life is hectic, especially with work, relationships, and maybe even their own little ones. Expecting daily calls or texts can set you up for disappointment. Instead, look forward to the times they do reach out, and show appreciation. A simple, “I love catching up with you” is far more welcoming than, “Why haven’t you called?” A little grace goes a long way.
4. Respect their boundaries
Your kids don’t owe you unlimited access to their time or life. If they set a boundary, honor it. Whether it’s about visit frequency or personal sharing, overstepping can create distance. Show that you respect and understand their limits, and they’ll trust you enough to keep you close. Healthy boundaries foster a deeper connection that’s built on respect.
5. Don’t guilt-trip them
Throwing around phrases like, “You never call anymore” or “I guess you’re too busy for your parents” might seem harmless, but it can create tension. Sure, it might make them pick up the phone, but it’ll feel more out of obligation than genuine desire. Let them reach out because they want to, not because they feel they have to.
6. Leave their romantic relationships alone
We get it; you want what’s best for them. But meddling in their romantic life is a surefire way to push them away. Even if you’re not a fan of their partner, keep your opinions to yourself unless asked. Interfering can put them on the defensive and make them choose sides. Show respect, and they’ll be more likely to include you.
7. Don’t compare them to others
Comparing your adult child to their sibling or someone else’s kid might seem motivating, but it stings more than you realize. Comments like, “Your brother always does XYZ” only breed resentment. Celebrate what makes them unique rather than measuring them against others. They’ll feel more valued and understood when you appreciate them for who they are.
8. Respect their parenting choices
When your kids become parents, it can be tempting to share your “tried and true” wisdom. But unless they ask, let them figure things out as you did. Unsolicited advice can feel like judgment. Trust that they’ll seek your support when they need it. The more you respect their boundaries, the more they’ll trust you and value your input.
9. Don’t rely on them for emotional support
ShutterstockYour grown children love you, but they’re not your emotional crutch. Leaning too heavily on them for support can feel overwhelming. It’s great to share, but keep boundaries. Balance your emotional sharing with friends, hobbies, or professional support if needed. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and independence, not dependence. Allow them to support you as adults, but don’t rely on it entirely.
10. Stop bringing up past mistakes
No one wants past slip-ups thrown back at them, especially when years have passed. If you’re still bringing up that time they flunked a course or dated someone you disliked, let it go. They remember their mistakes without your reminders. Focus on the present and who they’ve become, not who they were back then. Everyone grows and deserves a fresh start.
11. Stop trying to control their choices
Guidance is great when asked for, but control? Not so much. Trying to steer their decisions—whether about career, finances, or personal life—sends a message of distrust. If they feel micromanaged, they’ll start shutting you out. Give them space to make their own choices, even if you would do things differently. They’ll appreciate the trust.
12. Don’t make them choose between you and their partner
Once they’re in a committed relationship, their partner becomes their primary person. Expecting them to prioritize you over their partner can make you seem controlling. Instead, respect their relationship, showing that you value it. This inclusivity makes them more likely to keep you close. Relationships thrive on support and mutual respect, not competition.
13. Don’t assume they’re always available
Your adult children are busy. Assuming they can drop everything for you isn’t fair. Instead, plan get-togethers in advance and be understanding if they can’t make it sometimes. Valuing their time shows you respect their life, making them more inclined to make time for you. Flexibility goes a long way in maintaining a close, understanding relationship.
14. Learn to say sorry
Being a parent doesn’t mean you’re infallible. If you’ve hurt them or made a mistake, apologize sincerely. Saying “I’m sorry” shows them you value the relationship enough to admit when you’re wrong. It builds trust and lets them see that they can come to you openly, knowing they won’t be judged. A little humility strengthens the bond between you.
This content was created by a real person with the assistance of AI.
