He Was Toxic & Ruined My Life… But I Still Took Him Back

They say toxic guys can be addictive and I learned that the hard way. I thought I was strong enough to let go of my ex for good but when he came crawling back, I actually let him. Big mistake.

I was relieved to get away from him at first.

When our relationship initially ended, breaking away from him and finally gaining the courage to walk away from that relationship felt like total bliss! I was finally free! Unfortunately, that feeling didn’t last long, which surprised me. Incidentally, this coincided with him trying to get back with me roughly three weeks after we split.

Wait, who was this guy?

He seemed like a completely different guy this time around. Not only had he changed his wardrobe and got a stunning new haircut but he looked calmer and sweeter. He was polite and called to say he wanted to hear my voice. Instead of his usual nagging, he was suddenly laid-back and easy to talk to. It was like the early days of our relationship when he treated me like a princess. Had he changed? 

I started to miss him.

How could that be when he treated me so badly when we were together? He disrespected me, regularly going AWOL before coming back and asking me for rent money me back and then disappearing again. He was never around when I needed him. His charming behavior from the beginning of our relationship fizzled fast but I was actually starting to wonder if he really had changed as he promised he would 100 times.

I actually gave him another chance.

Instead of hanging up on him when he called like I told my friends I would definitely do if he ever dared to try and come back into my life, I couldn’t get off the phone. I was glued to it. It honestly felt like he’d put a spell on me. While he was talking to me about how much he missed me in his soothing voice, I just couldn’t seem to remember all the reasons why I broke up with him.

I became someone else.

From promising myself that I’d leave him for good, now I was agreeing to go back out for dinner with him. Part of me felt anxious on the way to the date. I couldn’t believe I was doing this to myself and yet, I didn’t want to turn the car around and go back home alone. I wanted to see him. It sounds cliche but he was like a drug.

The date was magical.

The guy pulled out all the stops to try to make the date really special. He brought me flowers, he serenaded me at karaoke, he wrote me a love letter. He clearly wasn’t holding back. He was so amazing the whole evening that I really (stupidly) believed that we stood a chance at being happy together.

He ended the date with a kiss.

It was spectacular! It was the most amazing kiss we’d ever shared, and our kisses had always been filled with passion. Then he looked deeply into my eyes and told me he was so sorry about everything and that he loved me. He actually got tears in his eyes as he said this, which made him seem like such a loving, sensitive soul.

Wrong!

Yeah, he really put on an act. About a week later, after we had a few more magical dates, the guy started to slip back into his previous ways. He lost his job, he started asking me for money, he was moody and irritable, and he stopped caring about his appearance. It was so disheartening to see that he hadn’t changed at all.

I knew things wouldn’t work.

How could they when he was still the same toxic guy he always was? I ended the relationship and this time it really was for good. I deleted his number, I told him to stop calling me, and I stuck to my guns. I couldn’t keep doing this to myself. It was so unhealthy.

I was so angry at myself.

I beat myself up for months after that experience, wondering why I gave him another chance. It was crazy. The guy was a pro at manipulating me with his “good guy” act and I lapped it up. I felt so stupid. I sometimes still shake my head about it but most of the time, I’m gentle with myself. The thing is, toxic guys really are pros at pulling the wool over people’s eyes. They’re really good at what they do, which is why they have people going back to them even when they know better.

The most important thing is that I let go… eventually.

It doesn’t matter how long it took me to throw that lazy, manipulative, toxic guy out the door. The point is that I eventually did so and it was a permanent decision that I’d never take back because I knew I was happier and calmer without him. He was bad and I was better off without him. Case closed.

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