I used to be a total hopeless romantic. I believed that true love existed and that I was going to find it. Not only that, but I believed that my perfect guy was out there and we were going to spend the rest of our lives in happily committed bliss. These days, I think it’s all BS and it’s really sad.
I never meant for this to happen. To be honest, I barely recognize myself anymore. I never imagined that one day I’d say that love is a bunch of crap and that (most) men are garbage. I don’t want to feel this way but I can’t help it.
I’m kind of disappointed in myself. I always prided myself on my ability to take disappointment in my strides, whether in dating or in life in general. For a while, all the bad dating experiences didn’t bother me. I’d get ghosted or cheated on and while I was upset, I had enough self-confidence to not let it break me. Eventually, however, all the garbage guys have put me through got to me and it’s hard even admitting that.
I can’t even be happy for my friends anymore. Whenever one of my friends starts dating someone new and things are going well, I can’t even be happy for their happiness. I immediately start rolling my eyes and can’t help but think about the fact that they’re inevitably going to get screwed over. Maybe they won’t—and I seriously hope they don’t because they’re amazing and deserve to be loved and appreciated for their amazing selves—but my kneejerk reaction is skepticism and vague pity. What’s wrong with me?
It’s turning off potentially great guys. I’m trying to hold onto that small thread of belief in my heart that tells me that good guys DO still exist even if I haven’t come across any in a really long time. However, with my terrible attitude about men and dating, I’m also aware of the fact that I’m completely putting off decent guys who might potentially be interested in me/be a good match for me. Who wants to be with an angry, bitter person? No one.
I really don’t get why so many guys treat women so terribly. While I logically know that there are decent men out there, the fact of the matter is that my personal experience (as well as most of my friends’ experience) tells me that more often than not, guys our age are game players, cheaters, liars, and just generally terrible to women they claim to love. It’s mind-boggling and without reason, which fills me with an intense rage.
It doesn’t help that men are responsible for so much of the terrible things happening to women in general. You only have to look at the news to see the myriad ways which men try to control, coerce, and harm women. Banning abortion, the high level of sexual assault and the low level of convictions for that assault, the prevalence of domestic abuse… the list goes on and on. When you see things like this going on in the headlines every day, it’s hard to be positive about the opposite sex, even though I logically know you can’t tar everyone with the same brush.
I really want to strike a balance but it’s hard. I know I can never go back to being the naive, hopeless romantic I once was and I don’t want to. However, I don’t want to live as a bitter, jaded, rageful woman for the rest of my life. I don’t know what the remedy is to change my attitude but I’m trying. If only guys would make it a little easier by changing their crappy behavior…