As a single woman in 2016, you’ve probably accepted that if you want to up your chances of finding love, you’re going to have to go online. From OKCupid and Bumble to the infamous Tinder, there’s no shortage of guys to choose from — but not all of them are worth your time. In fact, you can usually tell the first time they contact you whether you’re better off steering clear of them altogether. If you’ve ever dated online or still are, you’ve probably received these 15 messages from your so-called matches:
- “Hey sexy.” This message probably should have died with the boy band era because it’s so cliche, it may as well be wearing Dippity Doo hair gel. We’re all adults here and if we’ve never met, you certainly don’t want his opening line to be the same phrase that’s been catcalled to you on street corners by construction workers and idiots honking their horns. They need to do better.
- “Why are you single, cutie?” Gee, I don’t know, maybe it’s because you keep having to field these lame ass openers from various douche canoes. It’s not that good intentions aren’t behind these openers, it’s just hard to separate guys that say crap like this from every other idiot who is sending you completely generic and uneventful garbage. Be creative!
- No message, just a penis picture. Ugh. WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING? Haven’t guys learned yet? How many articles and memes do women have to put out there? Generally speaking, women don’t like penis pictures. The women who do are an extreme minority and are definitely the exception rather than the rule. Guys need to stop taking pics of their penises.
- The Jokester. This guy thinks he’s pretty cleaver. He’ll open the conversation with things like, “Do you know the different between Britain and me? Britain pulls out.” Wow, that’s hilarious. He’s definitely going to win major points with you for that one… not.
- “Heyyyyyyyy.” Whoa. Easy, bro. How many Ys does he need? He’s either way too enthusiastic and bordering on crazy or just drunk. Either way, it’s not a good look and you’re definitely not interested. On to the next one!
- The opening message is sexual remarks. This guy is the king of online douchebags. He literally can not comprehend how to communicate like a grown-up, so instead he lets his penis do the talking for him. Perfect. A talking penis is exactly what you were looking for, right?
- “Who’s your friend in the 3rd picture? Is she single?” This guy can just straight up go and screw himself and you shouldn’t have to explain why. Sorry, but you wouldn’t wish a guy like that on your worst enemy, let alone your friend.
- The persistent Pete. This is the guy who keeps sending you messages even though you have never responded. Your message history looks something like this: “Hey” “Hi” Hey how are you?” “Hi” “What are you up to?” “Hey sexy.” You have to admire his dedication, though — or perhaps it’s more like desperation?
- The winky face. This is the single guys’ bat signal for “this is me trying to flirt with you” followed by some cavemen like grunts. If he can’t put together a full sentence and is resorting to emojis as his first choice for communication, he can move right along.
- “Wanna come over?” This guy is straight to the point. There’s no room for mystery — he’s on a mission and he gets right to it. Unfortunately, he probably comes with dirty bed linens and possible STIs. Buyer beware.
- “I’m not looking for anything serious.” Cool story, bro, but you asked him what high school he went to. This guy is captain commitment phobia and just pretty well wants to find someone to hook up with rather than someone to actually have a relationship with. What a dreamboat! Not.
- “Netflix and chill?” How about, Netflix and go screw himself? Does that sound good? You literally can’t imagine that stupid pick-up line working on anyone, but for some reason guys still use it. WTF?
- The guy who didn’t read your profile. This guy is one of the most annoying in the pack. You spend time and effort to write about yourself thoughtfully, only to deal with boneheads who haven’t read any of it and asks you questions you’ve answered right there in black and white. Sure, you’re really looking forward to your future with this guy so he can forget your birthday, anniversary, and to pick up the milk for the 100th time.
- The butt hurt body-shamer. This guy is a special kind of jerk. He’s the guy who says all the cute things in the beginning to try and win you over, and as soon as you offer him some honesty and tell him you’re not interested, he hits you with the body and slut-shaming comments. The only thing this guy deserves online is the delete button. BYE, FELICIA!
- “Hi.” Sure, it sounds like a safe bet, but it’s also boring as hell and makes him sound like a Neanderthal. He may just say, “Hi, me John. Me like woman. Woman is pretty” followed by some grunting sounds. They need to make an actual effort. These messages are just annoying AF.
