My Trust Issues Aren’t My Fault—I’ve Been Screwed Over By Too Many Guys

It can suck to date someone with trust issues—I know because I’m one of those people. Not only does it take a long time for me to truly let someone new into my life, I often need reassurance that I’m safe to do so. It takes a lot of time and patience to get close to me, which makes sense given how much I’ve been screwed over in past relationships, but I like to think I’m worth it in the end.

  1. I don’t need a guy to fix my trust issues but I do need him to support me. There’s a huge difference between being there to support someone and trying to fix someone, and it’s an important one. First of all, it’s impossible to “fix” someone else. Second of all, it’s not his job to fix what other people broke in the past. However, I do need him to provide emotional stability in our relationship as well as support if it’s ever going to work.
  2. He needs to be trustworthy and honest if he wants to be with me. I don’t expect him to be perfect, but if he makes a mistake, he needs to own up to it. I would rather he be honest with me—even if the truth might hurt me—than lie to me because being able to trust my partner is the most important thing to me in a relationship. It isn’t going to happen overnight, but if he ensures I have no reason to distrust him, I won’t.
  3. I need him to be patient with me. I know it can be frustrating when I’m hesitant to trust a guy even though he hasn’t given me any reason to doubt him, but once I do trust him, it’ll be so worth it. I appreciate and understand the patience it takes to convince me to let my guard down, and I want him to know that I’ll do the same for him without hesitation.
  4. I might not be the first to call or text him, at least in the beginning. No, it’s not because I want to play games with him or pretend to care less than I actually do. I just want to see if he’ll make the effort to call or text me so I know I’m not wasting my time and energy. After I’ve begun to trust him, I’ll start calling or texting him first more often, but it’s still nice for him to reach out first sometimes too.
  5. It takes me a while to make a relationship “official,” but that doesn’t mean I’m treating it like just a hookup. I don’t like to define relationships or commit to them super quickly, but that doesn’t mean I’m playing the field or hooking up with other people either. It’s because I know that if I can learn to trust him to be faithful and loyal when we’re not “officially” dating, I’ll be able to trust him the same when we are.
  6. If I’m pulling away from him, that means I need him to reassure me that he cares. I’m not needy, but when something he does reminds me of a potentially painful situation from the past or if I’m feeling unsure about our relationship, I need him to put in a little more effort. It doesn’t have to be anything crazy, but even just texting me a little bit more or reminding me that I’m important to him will do the trick.
  7. I need a guy who realizes that I notice everything. This includes him being sketchy by doing things like hiding his phone, refusing to answer calls in front of me, or taking a long time to introduce me to any of his friends. He might not be doing anything wrong, but these have been “warning signs” I’ve brushed off in past relationships, which is why I’m more aware of them now. I’ll also appreciate when he makes it easier for me to trust him by letting me know who’s texting him or telling me what he and his friends are up to when they’re out.
  8. I know that it’s not fair to hold him accountable for the ways people have hurt me in the past and I’m trying to be better. It might feel like I’m punishing him from time to time for my exes’ mistakes but I’m not. I don’t blame him for the ways I’ve been hurt in the past but I do have reservations because of them. I know that he wasn’t the one to break my trust, but before I was hurt in the past, those same people gave me no reason to believe that they would hurt me either.
  9. I will give him every reason to trust me in return. I won’t ask him to do anything in a relationship that I don’t do myself, including being a trustworthy person and being honest with him about everything and anything. He won’t have to wonder who I’m talking to or what I’m doing because I’ll tell him. I want us to be equals in every way, and mutual trust will go a long way in helping us get there.
Kerry is a freelance writer from Boston, Massachusetts who now lives in the Sunshine State with the love of her life and her 15 month old daughter. She writes frequently about her personal experiences (find more of her work on She has an Etsy shop with cute items: she's not writing, she loves to spend time outside, at the beach, and with her family.