I’m Trying To Be Vulnerable In Love, But It’s Just. So. Hard.

I feel like I’ve been trying to find love forever but I keep coming up short. With every disappointment, it gets harder to get excited when a seemingly great new guy makes his way into my life. Even though I’m the type to wear my heart on my sleeve, I still have some major walls up and they’re hard to break through. I just can’t hide my hesitation and it’s frustrating because while I truly do want real love in my life more than anything, it’s just so damn hard to be vulnerable.

I’m so used to disappointment.

The fact that I’m single is proof enough that everything I’ve started with a guy hasn’t concluded with any sort of happy ending. It’s not because I don’t want to have my forever guy, it’s just that it’s either bad timing, another jerk or a ‘too good to be true’ situation that left me totally screwed over. I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop, so it’s hard to really open up and feel confident with a new guy.

I’ve dated one too many jerks.

I’m no stranger to being screwed over by jerks who simply can’t comprehend how to treat a woman with the same level of respect that they’re shown. I offer complete honesty, loyalty and generosity to every guy I date by default, but these days, so many guys take way more than they give. You can only have that goodness taken advantage of so many times before it starts to wear you down, and that’s exactly what’s happened with me.

I know I’m looking for trouble where there might not be any but I can’t help it.

I really do try to think happy thoughts and keep a positive attitude, but my history has taught me that every time I’ve taken a huge risk with my heart, the guy has only crap all over it and played me for a fool. I know all it’s going to take is one guy to change everything, but so far, he hasn’t shown up.

I have a hard time trusting that a guy is genuine.

I’m not a jealous type by any means, but I’m always left wondering if the guy I’m into has a harem of other women in the picture — because yes, it’s happened more than once before. I’ve dated guys on numerous occasions who weren’t offering me the same level of loyalty that I was to them, so it’s hard to feel a complete sense of trust when that kind of betrayal is so commonplace.

I know I’m self-sabotaging but I don’t know how to stop.

 It’s hard to admit it, but I’ll be real — I know I’m part of the problem. How can someone love me if I’m not offering my complete vulnerability? How will I ever know what I’m capable of having in love when I’m so hesitant on giving my heart away completely? My experiences have provided me sound logic, but it’s almost to a fault. There’s nothing logical about love, and that’s what I try to remember.

I’ve weeded through enough jerks already.

How many more idiots do I have to date to finally find one that sticks? Like I said, I’m exhausted. I feel like I’ve done more leg work than most on weeding out the ones who weren’t right for me, but so far, the right one is still nowhere in sight. What gives?

I’m afraid my feelings will scare a guy off.

When I do feel brave enough to open my heart to a guy I’m dating, I’m always afraid that my genuine emotions come on too strong or too soon. All I’m really trying to do is push through the fear I have enough to open up and it always seems to backfire. I just can’t seem to get it right and it’s defeating.

When I’m honest about what I want, I only face further rejection.

I’ve reached the point in my dating life that I can’t shy away from what I’m looking for because not communicating what I truly want and need in love has only lead me to crappy endings with guys who either led me on or were too lazy to make a real effort. The unfortunate downside is that being honest often means even more rejection because so many guys are only looking to fill a casual spot in their lives and I want so much more.

I know I need to trust the process, but it’s just hard some days.

Some days I’m completely optimistic about finding love and others, I question if I ever will. I know deep down in my heart that it’s out there and waiting for the right time to make it’s way into my life, but I’m only human.

I’m so exhausted — where is he? 

At the end of the day, I know that sooner or later, my heart will finally land on the guy who’s ready to catch it and give me his in return. In the meantime, I’m doing the best that I can.

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