The Underwhelming Reality Of Every Online Dating Conversation

It’s Sunday night and you’re lying on your couch watching Sex and the City reruns. Maybe you’re hungover or just super bored. You’ve been single for a while and are pretty much an online dating pro by now, but you don’t have a boyfriend to show for it, because every single conversation tends to go the same way.

“Hey, how’s your day/weekend going?” This is a pretty standard greeting whether you’re using an online dating site or an app like Tinder. You want to say something more than just “hey” but you don’t want to freak them out by gushing about your mutual love for Seinfeld (that comes later).

“Just hanging out.” You don’t want to admit what cheesy, girly show you’re currently watching so you try to seem as cool as humanly possible. This is the equivalent of junior high MSM and answering “not much, u” when someone asks what’s up.

“I love that [insert common interest here] too.” This is when you desperately look for something that you have in common with this guy. It could be a current Netflix show, a ’90s sitcom or something unrelated to TV at all (if those things exist).

“So what do you do?” There’s no non-awkward way to ask someone what their career is, because you both know that you’re basically going to judge them on the answer. If your job really matters to you, then it makes sense that you want someone with a similar outlook.

“Why are you on Tinder?” If you use the popular app, the guy you’re chatting with will usually ask you this. Super awkward. If you actually want a relationship, this is your sign to get out now and hit the delete button because he’s not looking for the same thing.

“Where do you live?” If the previous question doesn’t happen, then this is the point in the online convo when the guy will ask about the area of the city that you call home. He’s probably working up the courage to ask you out. It’s probably best to give a vague answer.

“Want to grab a drink sometime?” Either of you can ask this, but sometimes the girl just has to make the first move. This is when you cross your fingers behind your back and pray that he says yes. Worst case scenario, you never hear from him again after this. You can’t believe how many times you’ve chatted with someone for an hour and then been ignored when you bring up meeting up in person.

“Sounds good. When works for you?” If you’re talking to a normal guy, he’s going to respond this way, and it’s always a good sign when he cares about your schedule and when you’re free. This is when it becomes a balance between seeming interested in meeting him and not wanting to seem like you have zero social life.

“Cool.” You don’t really know what to say once you’ve made the plan. It’s several days from now and you can’t exactly keep chatting online until then because then, of course, you’ll totally run out of things to talk about. So you reply with this vague word.

“What’s your number? Let’s text.” Congrats, you’ve officially moved off the site/app. That’s almost like going steady in today’s crazy modern dating times.

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